on boys and girls

Being newly pregnant is a funny thing. Your mind daydreams about what "might be." There are cooing girls in frilly dresses or strapping boys in teeeeeny construction boots. With any pregnancy, two daydreams begin to form. Is it a boy, is it a girl? It's interesting since both children "exist" in your head.

Then, when that fateful day arrives -- either a revealing ultrasound or a birthday -- one daydream vanishes. It's almost like one little perfect visionary child dies. Seriously. I've thought about this. What could have been will not be.

When I was a little girl, I was the oldest of three -- myself and two boys. There was something about the concept of the "older brother": someone to take care of me and protect me. I didn't have that. I was the older sister. I remember at a Youth Conference one year, the older brother of one of my girlfriends my age had to make an announcement for something, and (shamelessly) using his time at the mic he threatened any guy who made a move on his "little sister." She was no doubt mortified, but I was intrigued at the clout of an older brother.

When I was first pregnant with Wesley, I remembered this thought. I had always said I wanted to have a boy first. I'd always said to myself I wanted an "older brother" for my kids. But somehow... something inside me changed. In those few weeks of early pregnancy, I changed my mind. I passionately wanted a girl; no, it was more than that, I was completely certain I was pregnant with a girl. The universes spoke to me, and I knew it was a girl. That was my "vibe."

It was funny because I informally surveyed some friends -- what did you think you were having? and what did you have? Half of them said, "I was totally sure it was a girl, and I was totally right" (smug smug), and the other half said, "I was totally sure it was a girl, and I was totally wrong." Note, everyone thought it was a girl. I interviewed maybe one person who thought it was a boy. Us women, pregnant, think we are birthing daughters.

I had daydreams. I saw her face. I had names picked out!

And when the ultrasound technician said it was a boy and so purposefully pointed out his little boy parts, I was floored. Perhaps I shed a tear. My "girl," my daydream, was gone.

Instead, I got a Wesley. Not that I am complaining. I love Wesley more than I love my own life; he is the most amazing little person and I thank God every day I have the incredible opportunity to be his mother. He is my little sidekick, my baby boy forever. I got the "older brother" I had always wanted, but had forgotten I even wanted.

So, here we are, round two. Now what? The daydreams formed. I immediately chalked up pros and cons of each gender:

• Boy - Pro: I can use all Wesley's clothes, shoes, towels, toys, nursery layette, etc., again. I am used to changing boy diapers. I point out airplanes really well.
• Boy - Con: I'd be very outnumbered in my house. We'd have a lot of Scouting going on, but no Personal Progress. Since I may only have two kids, this would be it. No daughter, ever. Me and Shane and our two boys.
  

• Girl - Pro: With a late birthday (December), a girl (who is generally more academically advanced), may have a better chance of keeping up with her other 2011 peers. Seriously, I thought of this. And I'd love a daughter. I would like someone to paint my nails with and watch The Little Mermaid with and go shopping with. All of my friends with girls say they love the novelty of having a daughter. Plus the clothes are so much more adorable, yes?
  
• Girl - Con: I'd need all new stuff. I don't know girls. The teenage years would be really hard. I'd have a wedding to pay for. We have all sorts of boy toys she may not like.

Back when Wesley was born and I was still "grieving" the girl-that-wasn't, I recall considering several of my girlfriends who were on their second, third, or fourth boys. I remember feeling so bad for them, like surely they wanted a girl but they didn't get one. Poor things. I had even analyzed, using Shane's family, what my chances were of having a girl next. His father's first two children were boy-girl, his sister's first two kids were boy-girl, but his older brother was the anomaly -- his wife had three boys before they got a girl! Gah! Back then, the whole "have a girl thing" was so important to me.

When it started coming down to it, this time around, I realized maybe a boy would be better. I had another friend who had a second boy and I remember her saying, "this is exactly what we wanted!" At first, I thought she was crazy. The more I thought about it though, it was genius. They play together. Use the same stuff. Two peas in a pod.

Basically, after all this analysis and all this exhaustive thinking (am I crazy or what?), I decided I didn't care. Whichever one it was, I would be totally cool with it. Boy or girl.

Immediately, all my friends started guessing girl. One friend, at book club, found out I was pregnant, took one look at me and confidently said, "Girl. And I am never wrong." Only one friend, my sister-in-law, guessed boy. She was the only one! Dozens of friends guessed it was a girl.

Of course I wanted a girl, but in the last couple days I'd really started to think it was a boy. Nay, shall I say, once again, I was convinced my little baby was a boy. I rationalized how great that would be to use all our stuff again and have another cute little man to play trains with Wesley. I was totally at peace with having a boy.

Today was our big day. We went in for our ultrasound. Imagine my surprise when the technician got to the gender part and started pointing things out... I was looking at the screen and thinking, "that doesn't look like a boy part..." and then she explained that what we were looking at clearly indicated girl parts. (She used anatomically correct words... and I had to process them for a second... "wait! that means girl!") It's a girl. She saw confirmation many times. She said said in her 13 years of doing this she is rarely wrong. We are switching to TEAM PINK. WOW.

So what if we need new clothes? It's just money! Some of my friends who are only having two kids have a girl Wesley's age and are pregnant with boys -- we can just give each other everything we have! It'll work out fine. Others have assured me she'll love trains and cars and airplanes just like her big brother. I definitely will need to read "Queen Bees and Wannabees" and other passive aggressive teenage girl drama books to figure out how to navigate these feminine waters. We'll have our boy and our girl. I simply can't believe it. I'm in shock.

So this morning, I shed another tear. Was I happy, sad, who knows? Another of my "daydreams" is gone and I must move forward with reality: we are welcoming a little girl around Christmas. Wow.