it isn't even fair

I went to a new dentist yesterday. I last went in July (not that long ago!); I'd been seeing the same dentist in Seattle every 6 months for the last 5 years and decided I needed a dentist closer to where I live.

The breaking news: I have FOUR CAVITIES. I am so bummed. Part of me thinks I should go to my other dentist and see if he'd say the same thing, since his hygienist didn't even allude to me being "in trouble" seven months ago. Boo.

The worst part is, from what I understand, there was nothing I could have done to prevent these cavities. Read on:

• The tops of your molars have teeny tiny little grooves, which are so so so small no amount of vigilant brushing can protect them.

• When you're a kid, you you get sealants over the tops of your teeth to prevent decay in the teeny little grooves. Well, sealants don't last forever, and by the looks of me, I'd say they wear off in 10 or 15 years. So now all my teeny grooves are "open for business."

• I heard a pediatric dentist explain once that some people are just more prone to cavities than others. It's partially genetic, and can even be traced to a bacteria that some people catch and others don't (like a propensity for cold sores, I think).

• After my appointment I told a friend about my four cavities and how devastated I was, and she said, "oh yeah! I've heard babies just suck the calcium out of you!" What? She explained her sister-in-law had ELEVEN cavities after her first child was born. Whoa! I've always thought I got enough calcium (with all the ice cream, I mean milk, that I consume), but maybe this baby-nursing-funky hormone thing just ruined me!

As I've discussed previously, I'm a big "I-can-do-anything-if-I-set-my-mind-to-it" person, so to have someone tell me, "no, you can't, you're basically going to get cavities no matter what," really really really irks me.

One would think a good option would be to ask for new sealants. Re-seal me baby. But, insurance companies (I was told) don't cover sealants for adults. Double-boo!

So. I don't know if there is an answer. I just want to be able to protect myself for the future, and the professionals yesterday couldn't give me an answer on how to do that.

On the bright side, the dentist explained that decay happens all over teeth, and the only areas I've ever had decay are the tops of my molars. So if I keep up with flossing and brushing, etc., I shouldn't get decay in between teeth or anywhere else. That's good to know. It's just sad that I think after all this is done with, all of my molars will be filled. I just hope I don't have to get dentures.

And, just so everyone feels my pain, they can't even fill all of the cavities in one sitting. I have to go back in TWICE. They only want to numb one side of my face at a time (I have 2 on each side). Triple-boo!

But. We should end positively. A couple years ago I made a New Year's resolution to floss everyday. WOW. What a difference it makes. If you don't floss often, DO IT. It'll change your life. Maybe I'd be worse off if I didn't floss. I shudder to consider it.

That's all for now. I'm bummed. If you need me, I'll be listerene-ing.

thinking like a mother

Wesley and I were 99-cent shopping at Value Village this week. Lately shopping has been so fun with him, since he gets a kick out of almost anything. He loves to make googly eyes with people in the store, grandmas and women especially. One gal at Safeway lately saw us a couple times in the store and referred to Wesley as her "boyfriend" the last few times we saw her. Ha! Wesley has also been recently fascinated with older men, usually with gray hair, who talk on their cell phones with these really deep voices. He just watches them and smiles, and his eyes are so wide, it's cute.

Anyway, back to Value Village. This day, Wesley was enthralled by two little boys. The first little boy, maybe 6 or so, was rifling through a barrel of stuffed animals. Wesley looked at him and smiled, and generally when this happens people smile back or say hi or tell me what a cute baby I have. This little boy instead returned to his barrel and started hoarding toys, as if to say to Wesley, "you're not getting any of my toys." He wasn't thrilled at all having the attention of my baby boy.

The second little boy, a bit younger, maybe 4 or 5, was over by the VHS tapes. He was sitting in a cart, and Wesley saw him and starting smiling at him, and I looked at the boy, who was looking at Wesley, and he said matter-of-factly, "don't touch my cart." Frankly, I was shocked, but I tried to play it cool and say, "oh well! if you say so, we won't!" and he seemed kind of nice after that, but he also was a little cold and standoffish.

The whole experience really got me thinking. Wesley is so sweet and open and kind, and just wants to smile with people and make a connection and be nice, but these two boys didn't want anything to do with him. They didn't see how amazing he is, nor did they care. I suppose it's unrealistic for me to think that everyone who comes in and out of Wesley's life will love him and see how amazing he is and treat him as wonderfully as I think they should, but it still hurts when I think about it.

And I guess the thought is turned back to me: do I treat people as wonderfully as I should? Every person on this planet has a mother, who probably thinks the world of them and loves them very much. But I never think about that when I see someone cut me off in traffic or panhandle for money. I never stop to think, "maybe I'm not impressed with you, but there are good qualities in there that I bet your mother sees, and she loves you no matter what."

(Tangent: thinking about this experience has also really intrigued me as I read in the newspaper about people abusing or murdering family members, especially a parent-child relationship. It's unthinkable. These people gave you life, or else you gave life to them. How can you hurt them??)

In college, I'd call my mom on the phone and complain about upcoming tests and how scared I was about them, and my mom would always tell me to do my best, and then she'd add, "and remember, however well you do, your mother loves you no matter what." She told me that plenty of times. And as I sat in the BYU Testing Center, racking my brain then waiting for the results of my exam, I'd repeat over and over in my head, "my mom loves me no matter what, my mom loves me no matter what." It calmed me.

I told Shane about this experience and he simply said that maybe people won't see how awesome Wesley is and treat him the best, but he always comes home to us and as his parents, we have the opportunity to make him feel most safe and most loved and most valued. And he is. And I will. It's an incredible responsibility, but he's so dang cute it's easy at the moment! (Maybe my post would sound a little different if I were potty training.)

So I'm going to try to be better to people. Because it breaks my heart to think that people won't always be peachy and sweet to Wesley, and I know people should be treated with respect. On a more spiritual note, as a parent, I guess I'm feeling how our Heavenly Father feels. I mean, this love I have for Wesley, WOW, it's love. It's deeper and more incredible than anything I've ever felt before. And to think, our Heavenly Father thinks that way about each of us. He knows us as I know Wesley, he loves us as I love Wesley, he only wants the best for us, as I want for Wesley. It's real, and I feel it.

So if Wesley smiles at you in the store, smile back! Or you'll get another sappy post from me.

marvelous maryland!

Since it's, oh, almost a month later, I figured I'd finally blog about our MOST AWESOME trip to Maryland to see my family (note, all references to 'MOST AWESOME' will be capitalized to show exuberance). It was a super quick trip, but very quality and such fun.

Thanks to my MOST AWESOME friend Stephanie, we got standby tickets on Alaska Airlines on two flights that were basically empty, which meant me and Shaner and Wes-man (who was free anyway!) had an entire row to ourselves. We could bring his car seat on and strap him in during takeoff and landing. Plus, we had a nice spot to put him when he fell asleep. It was delightful.

We just had plenty of toys, pacifiers, and food, and he did so well. On the flight back, however, he had a RECORD FOUR poopy diapers. That's right. FOUR in the span of a couple hours. Geez. One we changed at our seats right before takeoff, and three were in the tiny little bathroom. Luckily, we were the very last row of the plane -- on both flights to and from Reagan in DC -- so we had easy access. Wow. Four.

And for a baby who only eats mom's homemade baby food, the jarred stuff on the trip (used for convenience only) produced some very interesting diapers. 'Nuff said.

Shane got checked randomly in security both times, which was too bad. None of our checked bags got lost, which was good. My biggest disappointment is that in-flight movies no longer exist; now they try to get you to rent a personal DVD player so you can watch whatever you want for the whole flight. Sadness.

When we got to DC it was 4 or so in the afternoon, and my folks picked us up from the airport. All of us and baby and our luggage fit in dad's "grandpa mobile," i.e., his Toyota Avalon. I was impressed!

We took a trip to see Grandma Caudell, mom's mom, and got the standard 4-generation photo. If only I had a baby girl it would have been even COOLER (four generations of girls. But it's cool, I like Wesley enough).

Visiting with Grandma was great. First, her house exists EXACTLY how I remember it, so that was nice. I have a hard time when things change... like my childhood movie theater was recently torn town and gigantor movie theater was built in its place. That kind of stuff hurts. I like it when things are the same. Grandma had the same furniture, wall hangings, junk, etc. Yes, junk; she's a pack-rat, it runs in the family so I've got to be mindful of that!

Grandma told us stories of how she ended up in Washington DC after growing up in Kansas, and how she met Grandpa (who died in the '90s), and how she worked for Boeing! Which is really wild since Shane works for Boeing. We had a nice time.

The rest of the trip was basically chill. We let mom play with Wesley and check out all his antics (like crawling, putting stuff in his mouth, spitting all over the floor), and we had lots of time to catch up.

Wesley did terrible with the time change. We basically left him on Seattle time. So, since he usually winds down for bed at 6:30-7 pm here, he'd wind down at 9:30-10 pm there, and that was fine. I think it was Sunday night that me and mom and dad stayed up until, what was is, 2 am, just talking? I love my folks. So I had plenty of free time after Wesley went down for the night. Haha. And, since Wesley gets up at 8 am here, he'd wake up at 11 am there! No kidding! We slept in every day. MOST AWESOME.

Mom and dad set up their extra room like a fabulous hotel for us! There was a port-a-crib, from when *I* was a kid if I heard that right, which was MOST AWESOME! And the futon had like 700 pillows on it, and the nightlight was this really cute shell from the beach. Thanks guys! Mom even provided diapers and baby food.

We ended up going home on Tuesday, and not Wednesday, since the Wednesday flights were getting very full. By leaving Tuesday night, tada, we had lots of room to breathe! Standby was fun, but you have to be flexible.

We convinced dad to take the day off work, and my folks took us up to DC early and we did some sightseeing. Although it was TOTALLY SNOWING and cold, we decided to wander around the nation's capital! We went here:

I hadn't been up the Washington Monument since I was a kid, and they even closed it for awhile after 9/11 so I think just recently people can go up it again. It was MOST AWESOME.

Here is the view of the White House... haha... which pretty white on this particular day!:

Then we wandered over to the American History Smithsonian, which was fun. We ate at their cafeteria and saw a couple exhibits. We saw the American Flag that flew over Ft. McHenry and inspired Francis Scott Key to write the Star-Spangled Banner. It was all chewed up. My mom told me she always thought it was all chewed up because of bombs and stuff during the war, but it actually turns out that whoever owned the flag after the war would cut off pieces of it and give them to dignitaries as gifts. So one of the stars on the flag is missing, but it was cut out on purpose for some big-wig. Which is sad.

We got Wesley a cute book from the gift shop, "The Story of America's Birthday." If I had a million dollars, I could have also bought "The Story of George Washington," "The Story of Thomas Jefferson," "The Story of Martin Luther King, Jr.," etc. Plenty of stories to tell.

So, we enjoyed the snowy day with my family then headed back to the car to go to the airport.

We have a baby carrier which I use all the time, but Shane is like, paranoid to use or something. Here is Wesley, literally, zipped into Shane's coat. They're cute though, huh? I love those boys of mine!

And lastly, my artsy-fartsy photo of the trip:

It was the most perfect trip.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I love my parents, and I remember my mom telling me that when I, the oldest, went off to kindergarten, she had the hardest time with it. Up until then, she knew what I was doing at any moment in any day, and then, overnight, I was somewhere else. With other people, doing my own thing, learning something new without her. I'll always remember that, because it is hard for a parent. Me and Shane, we are Wesley's entire life right now! And one day, we'll have to "let him go" off on his own to learn new things. Now that I live half a world away, my parents hardly ever know what I'm doing. It's hard. It was so wonderful to be with them again. I lived in their house for 18 years of my life! It's hard to be somewhere else.

Well, I'm always thinking of you guys. I love you lots. Thanks for the great trip.

Going home is MOST AWESOME.

moment of silence

Happy Valentine's Day.

In other news, the last of our fish has died. For those of you following my blog ever so closely, I knew you'd be interested.

sigh

I loved those little fish. I hated cleaning the tank. Shane swears the tank leaked. Maybe one day we'll get a really big new tank on a cabinet and have saltwater Nemo fish. I look forward to that day.

Take a moment, say your goodbyes.

octuplets

Some thoughts:

(If you've been living under a rock, the gist can be read here)

• I appreciate that this woman wasn't afraid of a big family. Lots of people are "afraid," I think, of big families. Maybe I'd even count myself one of them. But this woman said, "no, I have a lot of love to give, I want a big family." Good for her. Growing up, I knew a family with 15 kids. They are all healthy, happy, and super thrilled to be in their family. Big families are not bad things. (I always said for myself, though, that I'd have a hard time emotionally supporting lots of kids, you know, getting their names right and stuff. But that's just me.)

• I should, however, mention, that one baby is difficult enough with me and Shane involved. I don't know how she plans to get 8 newborns on a feeding and sleep schedule. But, at the core of the issue, is the fact that I think a mom and dad are both so important to a baby. She is depriving those children of a father, simply because she wanted to do it "on her own." And in this case, as it was in Jurassic Park, just because she can, doesn't mean she should. Not only will it be super difficult, but it's a disservice to those kids. You could say that argument is old-fashioned, and I could say any argument to the contrary is feminist. But after we're done arguing, those kids still will not have a dad. And that's too bad.

• I've read that a reason the woman wanted all six embryos implanted (of which two split to form twins), was because all six were made in the lab and she considered all six children. It all boils down to the when-does-life-start argument. She didn't want any created embryo sitting there, un-implanted, since it would then be a child without a home, or something. I don't know how I feel about that. On the one hand, yes, an xx and xy had been formed and so technically I guess that's a baby, but it's in a petri dish so I just don't know. It's not like it's in a belly. So her argument is extreme, but valid. And I don't know the right answer.

• In the same respects, her decision NOT to selectively abort I 100% agree with. Selective abortion is just just just awful. I read a Dr. Laura book, "Parenthood By Proxy: Don't Have Them If You Won't Raise Them," a fascinating book, which spoke of selective abortion and I shudder every time I think about it. To choose one baby over another is just a terrible thought. I don't know how anyone can do that.

• Is the fertility doctor at fault here? Maybe. Judging by this woman's character, his first mistake was to create six embryos. Maybe he should have only made four or something.

• I read that in a lot of instances when large groups of babies are born, companies like Pampers and Similac and whoever jump at the chance to "sponsor" the families so they have things taken care of. And no one wants to touch this woman with a 10-foot pole. Her publicity has yielded no help (except for maybe a book deal or two). Actually, I feel for her. I wish one or more of these companies would help. She needs it, for heaven's sake. I know how expensive diapers are, and I know it's impossible to nurse 8 babies at once. Is she irresponsible? Maybe. Should someone help? Yes. Does anyone want that someone to be them? Apparently not.

• Other articles have spoken of how the taxpayers of California are going to pay for these babies. That makes a lot of people mad. I guess I can see why they are mad, but what's the difference between these babies and the thousands of others born as singlets to "unprepared" moms who don't care and "work the system" living off welfare? The difference is that these 8 babies have a mom who loves them. Maybe she can't afford them, but she's going to love them. And not give up on them. She has also said, and I have no idea how she plans this, that she doesn't intend to be on welfare for very long.

Personally, the Shanester and I waited until we knew we could afford a baby. That was important to us. Even though that obviously wasn't important to this mom, I am surprised that I don't care. She is completely different than me in her respect for her burden to financially support her babies, and I don't care. I can't really explain my way out of that one. I really feel like she needs help. I want to be mad; logic tells me I should be angry at her for doing this. But as a mother, I'm not mad. Beautiful babies are worth it.

So I don't know the answer. The Republican in me tells me to take responsibility for everything. If I get myself into a pickle it's my own dang fault and I shouldn't expect any help. If I'm smart enough I can handle it.

But here is this woman who totally did not follow my Republican-mantra above, and yet I want to help. Maybe she is totally brainless, but I think she deserves our support. I can't explain it.

lights leading nowhere

Last night, Shaner and I and bebe were out shopping and as we were getting in our car we saw four spotlight beams rotating in the sky. Ooh, how fancy, we said. I always feel a sense of excitement because I'm just so sure something thrilling is happening where the lights are and I wanna be there. I mean, they're like a bat-signal and Batman could be there, you know!?

But usually you can't tell exactly where the lights are coming from, so the excitement ends as soon as it begins. I liken it to trying to find the end of a rainbow to find a pot of gold. It just doesn't happen.

BUT, much to my excitement, these lights were really close, and as we were driving home they kept getting closer and closer until, doggone, we were at the lights! What are the chances!?

In my mind I pictured finding throngs of people jumping up and down, live DJs, clowns on stilts, circus tents, free food, confetti, you name it.

What a big fat disappointment! There was nothing! It was in the parking lot of a Lovers! I was so bummed. Nothing was there! Nothing! There were some parked cars, but not one lonely soul around anything remotely near the lights. It was at a strip mall! Boring beyond boring! Can you sense my disappointment by all the exclamation marks here!?

Totally weird. I wonder what prompted an old empty parking lot to think it could hype itself up with a set of big fat lights. I imagine the price tag on that was not cheap. I just can't get over it.

So the lesson is that just because something has a fancy exterior or seems flashy, it isn't always the case. A good thing to remember, I suppose.

sigh!

it's about time

So I've been thinking that with all the reality shows out there, some aired, some not aired (since they were so bad or gay guys ended up winning or whatever), I am bound to know SOMEONE who has been on one. Or at least know someone who knows someone, right? I mean the shear volumes of people involved mean that at least one person should know me by one or two degrees of separation, right?!

Look no further folks! The Bachelor is from Kirkland, Washington, and he grew up with Whimsy's husband! That's right, Whimsy's husband knocked Jason Mesnick's glasses off during t-ball on the playground in fourth grade. I feel so connected.

[Sidenote shout out to my buddy Jeff, who says it is his "destiny" to be a game show contestant one day... I'm rooting for you Jeff! That would be two for me if you make it! (well, OK technically one but I'm really excited here OK?)]

Last night (since I'm watching Jason and his gals, of course), the entire show took place in Seattle and it was super exciting. Especially since the fancy pants hotel and little pastry shop and sites on their walk and everything are all right next to the building where I work downtown. How FUN.

The Bachelor is usually kind of a joke, yes, but I do hope this one succeeds. He's a good guy. He's not a moron like Jerry O'Connell or full of himself like Andrew Firestone; he's a decent guy with a kid who wants to settle down. My money is on Molly. No way it's Naomi, although I think they look the best together. I also like Jillian, and I like her for the simple fact that she's the only one who doesn't speak in that stupid "camera voice," like people who can't act talk like when they know they are on camera. She seems the most real, as in, what you see on national TV is what you get. And Melissa has great teeth but I just don't know.

So there's my dish.

For the record I have only watched a few Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons. I watched the season finale for Aaron and Trista, a couple episodes for the bass fisherman and the doctor (whose names I can't even remember), and the entire season for Jesse. I followed another bunch of them online, reading the blurbs at abc.com, but couldn't bring myself to get involved in another TV show. Sometimes you can only take so much mindless TV. If I was a real trooper what I'd do is jump on the elliptical DURING the mindless TV and it wouldn't be so bad, right? But that has yet to happen. I did work out this morning though so if I veg tonight I'm entitled.

Any shows you're shamelessly addicted to? Or any reality TV stars you know personally?

debating "what happens in vegas"

I recently got an email from a friend who is planning a trip with her baby and was asking for advice. Someone I don't know replied to the email and said, "we went against our normally green standards and used anything we could think of that was disposable."

That really made me think. You claim to be green, yet when you go on vacation, all bets are off. Why? Why give up something you're determined to do, just because you're on vacation? Do you feel entitled to be a little wasteful, since you're so not-wasteful the rest of the time?

I have some friends, and don't get me wrong, I love these people, they are very very very cool, but they are self-proclaimed almost unreasonably green. The husband dictated that the wife use cloth diapers for the baby (even though he rarely helps her clean them), they drive a hybrid, they used low-VOC paint in the house, they don't like lotions or baby wipes made from petroleum products (big bad oil, they say), they think having "too many" kids (insert your own definition there) is "irresponsible" since it is bad for the environment, etc. Yet, they bought a HUGE beautiful brand new house when they got together and donated or sold ALL of their possessions from their previous relationships and bought all new stuff as they "started over" together. Whoa. Then, there was a basement-type room in the huge new house that was finished and perfectly fine, but the hub decided to rip it out and make a brand new room as his "project." The perfectly fine room was completely scrapped, because it wasn't good enough for him.

I just kept thinking, if you're going to be green then darn it, be green. Don't say you're green then not actually do it when you don't feel like it.

I'm reminded of what it means to be a Sunday Mormon or Sunday Christian: just going to Church on Sunday and forgetting about it every other day of the week. You're still a Mormon those other days. You're still a Mormon on vacation .

If you decide to do it, then stick with it. Isn't it like that with everything in life? We decide to get married. We hit rough patches, but I have to remember, I decided to do this. I'm not giving up. I'm not "taking a break" because all of a sudden it's a little more tough that I anticipated. Or, I decided to buy a condo. I've got to make the best of it. I decided to move to Seattle. I'm not going to complain about the gray skies (although there is some sun today! yay!). I weighed out all the options in my mind, then I decided to do these things. I dedicated myself to these things. Why only exert half an effort?

Last example. Some people are on the bandwagon where they only feed their babies organic foods. Organic rice cereal, organic fruits and veggies, organic juices, etc. But, these same moms talk about giving their babies a taste of frosting from a cupcake or licks from a popsicle. And I asked one of them, "If organic is so important to you, was the frosting organic?" She laughed, "haha, no!" But that's my point. You can't guarantee that 100% of the foods your kid eats for his or her entire life are going to be organic, why bother? Is it really that important? (It's not really important to me, in case you haven't noticed.) When you're at a party or a potluck or a Church activity or whatever, are you not going to let your kid eat anything since you can't say emphatically it's organic?

But maybe I'm wrong. What would you guys say? Are things in or out, like I'm thinking? Or is a little bit of good better than no good? If you eat some organic, does it make you feel less guilty about eating non-organic? If you use CFLs in one room, do you feel less guilty about using the super-bright bulbs in the bathroom? If you read your scriptures all during the week, do you feel less guilty about taking the weekend off?