saying goodbye to dad, part 2

I purchased plane tickets on a Sunday night for Monday morning. Talk about last minute flying! I'm grateful for friends who love me, who made us dinner Sunday night and took us to the airport on Monday. I had kids, carseats, luggage, airplane activities, and more. We flew direct to Salisbury, which is really the way to go -- it's a direct flight from Seattle to Philadelphia or Charlotte or similar, then a flight on a "puddle jumper" into Salisbury. The airport is a 7-minute drive from my childhood home.

The night before the flight was brutal. Just brutal. I was an anxious mess, and Wesley was acting weird. He threw up in the middle of the night. For awhile I thought maybe he was mirroring my anxiety, and even now I'm not entirely sure if in fact he was really sick. But it was a gamble to get on that plane with him, but it had to be done. I don't remember much about the traveling, only that we made it.

My brother Brad and his wife Leslie met us at the airport in Salisbury. I hugged Brad while Leslie had presents and balloons for my kids. She is so wonderful and sweet. I got a rental car and the guy asked me if my trip was for business or pleasure. It's a funny feeling wanting to both burst into tears and roll your eyes at the same time. I didn't have an answer.

I love Maryland. I really do. I love every chance I have to go there. Usually! I love driving by my high school, pulling into my street, seeing the "Welcome to Salisbury" sign, running into people at the grocery store, everything. I love being "home." I've been planning to go home in August for a couple years now! Both sides of my family have reunions on two subsequent weekends in August, so if I could make it out there I could hit two of them!

How funny to find myself in Maryland in August.

We arrived on Monday, and on Tuesday I went to the funeral home with mom to make the arrangements for Dad's service. We wrote his obituary together. Mom held it together pretty well until the time to select a casket. (Oddly enough we found out several days later we needed to go with a different casket. Regardless, it's a very difficult moment.) There are a lot of things to worry about... casket, service, location, programs, flowers, interment, plot. Mom handled all of it calmly and carefully and with such a sweetness. I love my mom. She was very strong. I was so glad to be there to hold her hand and hug her whenever we both needed it.

The best part of the funeral arrangements (if there can be a "best" part to this) was that my parents actually live in Parsonsburg, a small town on the outskirts of Salisbury. Most of the cemeteries in town are in Salisbury, and the funeral director told us that they are all owned by for-profit conglomerates and plots can sometimes go for $1,000+ each.... yikes. However, because we live in Parsonsburg there is a small church in the central town area with a cemetery that perhaps could accommodate us. We talked to a nice old man on the phone who said he probably had two plots somewhere and we could have them for $100 each, plus the $100 registration fee. That is simply amazing. I actually had my sweet 16 birthday party in 1996 at the little community hall at this church. We used to go to Christmas craft bazaars and fairs there. And now my father would be buried there.

I'm so grateful to the Relief Society president in the ward (who was my Merrie Miss leader when I was 8!) who took such good care of Mom and us. There was food, food, food. Babysitting was arranged. Cards and calls and hugs came by the dozens.

LOTS of good food, huh Laurel? ;-)

My brother Kurt and his family arrived from Colorado the next day. It was fun to let the cousins all play together. Mom has great toys :-)

There were Grandma's "princess magnets"...

And UNO. Lots of Uno....

Plus just all kinds of other fun.

I suppose the kids kept it calming for us. No matter how stressed out we were, the kids still needed to be taken care of. Dinner needed to happen. Play needed to happen. Bedtime needed to happen. They were a great distraction and that was a necessity. I'm glad I brought them. My mom said they made her laugh, which was wonderful.

Thursday we made plans to go to the temple as a family. An angel family in mom's ward took all seven of our combined children for the day. What an adventure they had! The DC Temple is 2+ hours from Salisbury so really it's a huge undertaking. The night before I packed paper bag lunches for each of us adults (two couples, plus Mom, plus me) and all seven children, one of which has food allergies. PLUS, like I said before, I wasn't sure if Wesley was sick or what, so I was totally nervous to leave him at someone's house! What if he threw up??? Or got her kids sick? Oh geez. Turns out instead he took a nice long nap which is LUCKY for her! ;-)

It was wonderful being at the temple with my family. I'm so sad Dad isn't in this picture. Maybe he's in the clouds. We were all crying in the session, and of course there was a young girl going through for the first time and she probably was like, "wow, look how the temple makes all these normal people so crazy emotional." I think Melani or Leslie introduced themselves and told her why we were all crying, haha. The truth is that eternal families give us great comfort. We just really miss him.

The girls :-)

I love the DC temple. It is heaven on Earth. No other temple touches my heart quite like it does. It is so white, so perfect. I love the design, I love its presence. I love everything about it. I love that I was sealed to my parents there in 1986. I love that I went there when I was 12 to do baptisms for the dead. I love that I was endowed there and married there. No temple can ever mean more to me that the Washington DC Temple.

Dad's funeral was Saturday. Shane flew in Friday night to join us. How wonderful to have him, if just for a quick weekend. Shane was so very supportive during all of this.

Friday lots and lots of family arrived. We all went to dinner and one of my aunts paid the bill. How generous and wonderful. Dad was always the one who paid the bill! He just can't ever be replaced.

Friday night I was at the computer writing my "eulogy" and thinking of Dad. A couple years ago he somehow!! got his hands on a recording of a radio dedication played on his wedding day. The DJ spoke about how it was a lovely day, the perfect day to get married, and congratulated Ken and Brenda who were getting married that day, then played this lovely song. I turned it on and just cried. Shane came in the room to comfort me. What a powerful, raw emotion.

Dad was buried on August 16, 2014, which was Mom and Dad's 34th wedding anniversary.

I don't have a lot of pictures of that day. I guess I just have memories. I remember being in a rush to get the kids ready and all our stuff together, and finally getting to the church and walking in and heading toward the room where the viewing was and stopping myself suddenly in the hallway. I just stopped and said, "Am I ready for this?" It was just upon me so quickly. This moment I wasn't ready for, the moment where I said goodbye to the earthly presence of my father.

He was gone, and it was just his body, but I thought it did look like him and they managed to give him a smile that I recognized. I'm not sure how Mom felt about it.

There were so many people who came to the viewing and the line was very long. I couldn't believe all the faces of my childhood that I saw.... one man flew out from California!!! for the service, and he couldn't even really talk to me because he had tears in his eyes. He simply said, "I just had to come. I had to come." A lot of people were really torn up about it. Dad was a great guy, he helped everyone. He was always there and willing to serve. It shook the community, I think. Just as it shook me.

Anyway, we talked too much to people, so at one point they had to take us out of the viewing so everyone could view Dad and then we could start the service. It went well. My brothers and I did the main "eulogies," we divided up the aspects of Dad's life. I did his family life (stories of how he met Mom, memories we had as kids, his help with grandkids, etc.), Brad did his professional life (his job, accomplishments, relationships), and Kurt did his spiritual life (service in the Church, testimony, etc.). Dad was awesome. Such a great person. He loved Mom, he loved us, his lived his lift exactly how he wanted to and perfectly in tune with the Lord and the spirit. He is a great example to me and I miss him dearly.

http://www.hollowayfh.com/book-of-memories/1928764/Twining-Kenneth/index.php

My aunt, uncle, and grandma were invited to share "memories," and the grandkids all sung Families Can Be Together Forever. What is kinda funny is that that is one of Laurel's favorite songs NOW, but in August she didn't know it so well. Wesley was kind of a stinker during the service and Shane took him to the nursery for most of the time. Oh well. I suppose the service was more about me and my immediate family, us being there for each other and mourning. I was really glad Shane was there to help with our kids, who didn't understand what was going on.

After the service we went to the cemetery. All of the children and grandchildren could place a red rose on Dad's casket. Laurel still talks about that. She still talks about putting a flower on Grandpa and then they put him in the ground. Wesley didn't put the flower on his casket because he was busy running around. Someone gave them Oreos at some point and here they are enjoying them, haha:

Afterward there was lunch for us at the Church. Somehow Laurel's dress got dirtied beyond saving and we had to change her into borrowed clothes!

It was a whirlwind day. Mom calls it the second worst day of her life. The first being the week before, obviously.

Mom came back home and wanted to be alone. We all went over to my Aunt Nancy's hotel and swam in the pool. It was nice to laugh and be busy. The kids enjoyed spending time with Shane, I was really glad he was there. I think afterwards, we went to the home where Kurt was staying, the Williams' home, and socialized. All the cousins and Grandma and everyone, it was busy and enjoyable.

Sunday I took Shane to the airport very early. Then we went to Church as a family.

Like I mentioned earlier, Sunday happened to be one of those annual family reunions. It's called the Benson Family Picnic. The Benson family settled in Princess Anne, Maryland, several generations ago and there were 13 children in the family. If you are descended from any of these children you are invited to the picnic! We are descended from one of the daughters, Hulda, who married Charles Twining. I want to say that is four generations ago.

Dad was always the "record keeper" at these picnics. He'd bring his computer and a printer, and everyone would check in with him and look at their information, correct anything wrong, etc. As the official record keeper someone would report to him at every picnic what the births, deaths, and main events were that year. How ironic that I typed in my father's own death as a main event for the year. I felt uncomfortable trying to fill his shoes. I hadn't been to one of these picnics in ages. The picnics used to be at Uncle Lester and Aunt Ruth's home (my dad's uncle and aunt), and we'd play in the barn, go on hayrides, eat until we were sick, check out Lester's rose bushes, and more. One year someone had died and they brought all her stuff so we could take anything home we wanted!! How funny! But alas, Lester has been dead for years. Aunt Ruth can't host at her home anymore. Now they hold it in a church hall. The picnic was nothing like how I remembered.

Although I didn't feel like I interacted much with people at the picnic, there were a couple good conversations I had. A few people also enjoy family history and they want to keep in touch, so I got some email addresses and phone numbers. I also enjoyed going into the cemetery next to the church, for many members of my family were buried there. I took pictures of their headstones for my records.

Dad and I always talked about taking a trip up to Massachusetts to go graveyard hopping. He liked genealogy like I did. It's hard to imagine going on that trip alone now.

After the picnic we were all kind of toast, but Grandma Twining (dad's mom) came over to Mom's home and so did Kurt and Melani and their clan. Maybe family history was just on the brain, because I pulled up our information on the Mom's laptop and us girls started telling stories and researching lines. Grandma, Melani, and I were just chatting, theorizing, searching records, etc. It was AWESOME and a lot of fun! I came home with lots of ideas and projects to work on to keep the momentum going! I feel closer to Grandma and Melani having shared that fun evening.

Well, soon enough all of the extended family were gone. Kurt's family and my family all went to the beach together, which was nice.

I was braver in the water than I should have been, I was holding Laurel once and a wave knocked us both down and under. It was scary!! Luckily the water receded quickly and I got her up. It is terrifying to think about what could have happened.

We went on the Ferris wheel in Ocean City. 

Loved it. We ate Thrasher's French Fries and Dumser's Dairyland Ice Cream. Like I said before, Kyler has food allergies so we had to find stuff that was acceptable for him. Shaved ice to the rescue! I'm glad we all had treats we could enjoy.

I think Tuesday was the last day we were all together. We played a game of Star Trek Uno both to appease the children and to honor Dad.... who was a big Star Trek fan... :-)

Mom requested we go to the cemetery to check things out. It had been a couple days. We didn't know how it worked, but evidently every flower arrangement delivered to the funeral home is taken to the cemetery and left there until the caretaker disposes of them. The large circular one there was fake though, so we took it home with us! The one on the ground was the spray we picked out.

Dad's final resting place. Even if Mom chooses to move away from Salisbury, our hearts will always be in Parsonsburg. I will always be tied to the Eastern Shore of Maryland.

I didn't get any good photos of my family! Oh well!

Kurt's family with mom... Leanna, Mom, Kurt, Spencer, Melani and Kyler.

All the grandkids, in order. Kyler, Wesley, Leanna, Ruby, Laurel, Spencer, Jonah.

 It's hard to say goodbye. But little Laurel hugs are so precious!

Before Kurt and Brad and their families left, the boys gave us all blessings. I'm thinking Kurt gave one to Brad, Brad to him, then the two of them to both me and Mom. It was a special experience. We have always been close, we have always really loved each other, but this... boy, this really binds you. I think I'll always consider us a family of five, so the love I have for four other people I am now giving to just three other people. I just love them so much. I love our forever family so much. I tend to fear death, I do, but at this point I fear it less because I really want to see my dad again. 

After everyone left it was just me and Mom and my kiddos at her house. I gave her a break by going to the beach again... ;-)

Seconds after I took this picture the bag of chips the seagulls were ripping into blew toward our blanket, and they swarmed to us. I really thought the birds might kill us. I was scared! We lived.

Selfie!

I also took the kids to the zoo in Salisbury. Love the zoo.

And since I was on the East Coast I needed some good East Coast food, like Chick-fil-A. Although, surprise!!!, we are getting a Chick-fil-A in WASHINGTON sometime in 2015! I can't believe it.

If I think about it, one part of the trip that was really hard was when I needed to go out into the garage for something. My dad's truck was out there, and the whole garage just smells like "Dad." It's the Home Depot smell, the PVC pipe smell, electrical equipment or something. It's just my dad, it's my childhood. When I walked into the garage the tears just came. It was overpowering how much it made me think of him.

We went home Tuesday the 26th. It was very hard to say goodbye.

I feel like I honor my Dad all the time. When we wear our M.R. Ducks shirts....

When I eat a Reese peanut butter cup, when I change a light bulb, when I read the comics, when I give my daughter a drink of milk. I loved him. I really loved him. He was so wonderful and I'm so sad, every day I'm sad that he's gone.

I had 34 years with him on this planet and I wish I had 34 more. I should have had 34 more. I know I will see him again, but I am sad I won't get to see him again until eternity begins. It's an intimidating concept.

I was truly grateful for the 15 days I had in Maryland. I needed to be there, both for me and for my family. I needed to be able to stay up into the wee hours of the morning and hold my mom's hand as we both cried. I needed to be able to look into the eyes of all these people who loved my dad and feel their sadness for us. I needed to be able to talk about it, over and over, to come to some cathartic conclusion about God's plan. I needed that time. I need more time. Every chance I get to talk to my mom I take it, but I always wish I was there to hug her and hold her and whisper that everything will be OK. It will, I know it will, but right now it is still really hard.

I pray to God every day and thank him for another day on this planet. I've also started to pray to see Dad in my dreams. Not long after I got back I had a dream and Dad was in it -- all dressed in heavenly white. I woke up and wanted to see him more. I pray for faith. I pray for comfort.

I miss you Dad. You went too soon.