rock bottom

Welp, I suppose it's time I blog my big announcement and get some of my feelings out there.

Shane moved out into an apartment on Dec. 20, 2014, and filed for divorce on February 13, 2015.

I'm trying to pinpoint exactly what the worst moment of my life has been. My rock bottom.

Initially, it was the endodontist's chair when I got my root canal in November. I was freaking out somewhat, so I paid the extra $75 for the nitrous oxide! They say it "takes the edge off, like a glass of wine!" Well, I don't know what that feels like, but sure, sign me up.

Picture me laying there, a little loopy and out of it. When she numbed me, she used this funky thing that vibrates so it takes the sting out from the injection. The first 20 seconds were OK, then all of a sudden I got this INTENSE AWFUL EXCRUCIATING SHOOTING PAIN that went up from my mouth through both of my cheeks into my eye sockets. My body is curling on the chair and I'm weeping, just weeping. Tears are flowing from my eyes, just dripping off my face, and I'm quietly, barely sobbing, it hurts so bad. I'm just raw, completely raw. Every guard has been stripped away and all my sensitive receptors are exposed and I'm wishing I was dead. I hope you get the picture. I have no idea what happened. She said in 12 years of root canals no one has ever had a reaction like that.

As I start to recover, and they turn up the nitrous, haha, I'm listening to the doctor and assistant talk about Thanksgiving and shopping and the weather. My mind tells me that this is rock bottom. It can't get any worse. My dad died. I will not see him again in this life or hear his voice to look into his eyes. I'm just so sad. Plus, my marriage has completely crumbled. I knew it was past saving. It was over and that was just so sad. And there I was, getting a root canal, with the initial pain so completely crippling. It could not possibly get any worse, right? Rock bottom.

I was fed up with some things in the beginning of November, and I -- yes me -- I was the one that brought up the D word. I blame it on my dad, actually. Dad loved my mom. He lived his life well, and he was such a good example to me of service and love, honesty and happiness, faith and testimony. When he died, I starting thinking a lot about my life. I thought a lot about living with regrets; when I died, would I regret my life? Well, in all honesty, I totally love my life. I'm involved in some amazing things, I like my jobs, my book club, my activities. I love my kids. The only thing that crazy sucked was my marriage. Shane and I... geez. I can't even open that can of worms.

I suppose when I finally brought it up, he was glad I did. Truth be told, I think Shane has wanted out for years. Objectively, it seems like he finally wore me down enough that I wanted it too, and when I finally said the words out loud, he pretty quickly got super motivated and found an apartment, got a new bank account, and rented a moving truck.

We decided December 1st to split. I wanted him to stay until after Christmas, but he said he didn't feel comfortable and he didn't make it that long. It's OK. I was ready for him to be gone, too. Things were just so bad at the end.

So, was my root canal rock bottom? I don't know.

Every time I feel like I get a grip on my feelings and I've taken two steps forward, something hits me and I go three steps back. It's hard seeing him in new clothes that he's purchased. Punch in the gut. He told me he's seeing someone. Punch in the gut. He wants to introduce her to the kids. Punch in the gut. He is doing all these fun social things that he never did with us, or when he did do them with us I remember him complaining the whole time about how he'd never do them again. Punch in the gut.

I go up and down. Am I glad to be off this crazy train? Absolutely. But do I remember all the good times and get super super sad that it's over? Yes, so much yes. I remember falling in love. I remember the things he said to me, how he said he wanted to build universes with me. He gave me a diamond ring and he told me he'd love me for longer than that diamond would exist. He cried the first time he told me he loved me. He cried when Laurel was born. I loved is eyes, I loved his arms and hands. I loved it when he was humble and God-fearing and trying so very hard. I loved that.

But, alas, none of that lasted. Instead of growing together, we grew apart. I have to admit to myself that he isn't the guy I fell in love with, that essentially I'm mourning both my marriage and *that guy* who I really loved and who is totally gone. I saw an old picture of him the other day, and in the picture it was *that guy* and I really missed him. I loved him. In a way it's harder than my dad dying, because hey, Dad is gone. I don't see him walking around in new shoes, doing fun things without me, confiding in strangers.

Wesley is in a lot of therapies to help him "regulate," and one of the terms his therapist uses often is "big feelings." When he has to pee or he's disappointed or he's nervous about transition, all the time basically, Wesley has a "big feeling" and he has to deal with it. We try to help him do that in a positive way.

I'm finding myself with a lot of big feelings. Disappointment, sadness, anger, relief, happiness, remorse, anxiety, fear, loneliness, excitement, anticipation, hurt. I'm not sure how well I'm dealing with these feelings, but I am trying.

I posted the news on Facebook, and I was blown away by the response. I don't know what I expected. I guess I just thought I'd "announce" this big milestone in my life, and that would be it. I tried to play it cool and not drop a lot of details, but be matter of fact that my marriage was in the process of dissolution. What I got, however, were countless messages of support and love and confidence. People who said it made them sad to think of me as sad. People who said I was strong and wonderful. Wow, that felt so good! I also got a lot of private messages from people going through the same thing, asking for advice, expressing their concern and love. A couple friends said they would always be there as a listening ear and I could always trust them to take the girl's side, haha.

Well, that's my story for now. A new part is written every day. I'm at the beginning of 3-6 months of discussion on custody, assets, child support, and more. I'm going to worry about money and wonder about getting a job. I'm formulating a five-year plan. I'm grateful every morning for another day on this planet, even though sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

Many big feelings.

our love

It's Valentine's Day, and I'm not doing very much celebrating. The kids are with Shane today, and I did some work, went to yoga at the gym, helped with a baptism at Church, and am thinking about making myself a killer grilled cheese sandwich.

But, prepping for Valentine's Day with the kids was a lot of fun this year. 

They both did Valentines for their classes at school. Wesley's were just dollar-store Valentines that we folded up to make a little 'pouch' and put in a Dove candy. Yum! He wrote out everyone's names and I was so proud of him! 

Laurel's Valentines are funny.... when we went to see my family for Dad's funeral, my Grandma Caudell and Aunt Wanda brought some presents for the kids, like a whole bunch of matchbox cars, some arts and crafts supplies, and these cool threading cards. I noticed that out of the 20 or so threading cards they had, about half of them had Valentines notes on the back. What? I took the cards and put them in a safe spot and boom, out they came for Valentines day! They were perfect for a bunch of 2 and 3 year olds.

Since they were all a little bit different, Laurel had a terrific time deciding who in her class got which card, with which color shoelace. Since her friends don't necessarily read, the teacher provided us all with 18 black & white photos of Laurel, and we got to glue them on the Valentines, so the children could look at know who they were from. 

I hope Jack (a boy) appreciated the pink kitten with pink shoelace, while Sofie (a girl) liked the pizza card with yellow shoelace. Halle (our friend) got a hot dog, while other cards were of an elephant, giraffe, zebra, etc. For the half that DIDN'T have Valentine notes on the back, all it took was a quick browse of Pinterest for me to come up with my own. I came up with some very cute ones, and I'm super proud. The giraffe: "You're HEADS above the rest, Valentine!" or the frog: "Hoppy Valentines Day!" or the bulldozer: "I dig you, Valentine!" Haha. I had a blast being super punny. Dad would be proud. 

Laurel's class learned about the post office this month, and for art one day they all decorated cards, and then the next week we walked down to the post office (just down the street from preschool), and the kids all got the chance to put their cards in the mailbox. Then, voila!, they all got cards in the mail the next day!! Laurel's came from Halle. The teacher I think randomly picked cards to go to students, but it was fun that all the cards she decorated did go to someone. 

I did Valentines for my visiting teachees... I had a six-pack of floating candles, so each of them got a candle and a couple little packaged cookies. Plus I made little cards with a stamp and corner punch. My companion and I dropped them all off one Sunday afternoon while my kids played at her house with her kids, and it was perfect. February is a short month, and we wanted to be sure to show our love.

The other REALLY cool thing the kids and I did was to HEART ATTACK some people. We had a family discussion on who to attack. Wesley chose Katy, a little girl in our neighborhood who rides the bus. He's crazy about her. Laurel chose "Sister Johnson," who I also totally love. I chose Wesley's Primary teacher, Sister Lee, who also happens to be married to the Stake President, Pres. Lee. I really love them both. What's cool is that we all kind of love all the people we picked, so we got to working on cutting out and decorating hearts. Laurel and Wesley both cut some hearts. Laurel did lots of the decorating -- Frozen stickers, Easter stamps, chalk scribbles, and glittery stars. I wrote some notes on them, and we attached some candy to a few hearts, too.

And .... the finished product :-)

Luckily NO ONE was home when we went!!! It's a good thing. My kids were so loud. Haha. The Lees had a dog I thought for sure was giving us away.

Of course, my favorite part was the Dove candy. Here was one Laurel opened but I put on the fridge for me...

My heart does have love in it today. I just finished reading a book on forgiveness that made me think a lot about the Savior and His love. Interestingly enough and sort of coincidentally, this book took place around Valentine's Day and the author encouraged people to do acts of service for Valentine's Day. And there I was, reading this book, considering forgiveness and wanting to do service. My heart was really touched this week. I think God was definitely looking out for me. 

I started reading Jesus the Christ earlier this month and that's been beautiful, too. I have such great love for my children. I have great love for every additional day God gives me on this planet. This Valentine's Day it was nice to think about other people. It gave me great purpose and I felt peace. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

faith in the plan, part 3

Today marks the 6-month anniversary of my father's death. I miss him every day.

Experiencing his passing was awful in every way. It was so sudden. I was painful and scary and sad. The first night I was in my childhood home, sleeping next to my beautiful children, I could hear my mother sobbing in the next room. I went to her and held her. Dad left holes in hearts everywhere.

During my time home with my family processing Dad's death, and also now, an amazing thing has happened. I've been identifying what I consider the "tender mercies" surrounding Dad's passing. What do I mean by that? There have been some very real realizations that have brought great comfort. Elder David A. Bednar identifies the "tender mercies," described in 1 Nephi, with this: "A loving Savior was sending me a most personal and timely message of comfort and reassurance." 

This happened to me. I think to some extent it happened to others in my family, primarily in the time we spent together in August. 

Of course I'm not HAPPY about Dad passing; I wasn't ready for it and all during that time I was mad and angry and so so so sad. I took a tumultuous journey through the stages of grief. However, the final stage is acceptance... where we realize this is all part of "God's plan" and we're somewhat able to face that it happened and move forward. I can say I've come to this. 

In considering the "plan," I've realized how, in fact, the Lord had a hand in the final months and moments of Dad's life, and for that we should be very grateful.

Here are some examples of this...

• I got to see Dad in June 2014. THANK GOODNESS I got to see Dad in June. Mom & Dad had thought about coming in November or earlier, but they put off their trip and in reality, they came at the perfect time. Those memories of my dad are so fresh. Every time I turn on the light in my laundry room or the ceiling fan in my room, or I plug my phone into that cool USB plug he put in for me, I think of him. I'm so glad he was here and we got to have late night talks and I heard more of his wisdom and felt his love. I hugged him and looked into his eyes and felt his presence. I'm so grateful for June 2014.

• You may not be aware that my Grandpa Twining, Dad's dad, died on July 23, 2014 -- a mere two weeks before Dad died. This was a miracle in timing. Dad was able to attend the funeral -- Uncle Sidney and Kurt and lots of cousins and Grandma and everyone (except me!) attended the funeral. Just like I experienced in June, they all got to see Dad and touch him, hug him, look into his eyes, hear his voice, everything, merely weeks before his own passing. I feel like the timing for Grandpa going was not a coincidence. You know what? I think Dad would say the same thing. He always said there was no such thing as coincidence. The CRAZY thing is, haha, I was complaining that I wished Grandpa could have held on for a couple more weeks, since I was really busy at the time of his passing and couldn't attend the funeral, but I was NOT busy in August and would have been able to make it. Ha. Be careful what you wish for.

• August was such a good time for me and my family to be in Maryland. I spent much of the month there with my mother. Sure I missed out on Washington summer fun, like the state fair and canning peaches and playing in my favorite wading pool, but being in Maryland for as long as I was needed was so important. The kids missed no school. I had no responsibility to attend to besides my family. My brother Kurt is a schoolteacher and never would have been able to come for a week+ during the school year. The timing really couldn't have been better. It's like God knew what we needed and what would work best.
  
• Dad didn't get the chance to serve a mission in this life, but his last calling at Church was as Ward Mission Leader working with the full-time missionaries. Mom has said that calling taught him how to be a missionary; it was literally the culminating act of his life. I imagine him, as I believe, on the other side teaching people the gospel. He was such a good example of missionary work, and he believed in simple and kind acts of service. He was a great man, and I know he continues to do good.

• I think about the circumstances around Dad's death. He had made it to Atlanta, so he was in a city (not the middle of nowhere traveling!). He had spent the afternoon with the missionaries, just laughing and visiting and chatting. I'm so grateful that when it happened, Brad and Mom were there. They were there so 1) Dad wouldn't be alone, but also 2) each of them wouldn't be alone. Brad was there to support Mom, really. I'm so grateful Brad was there. I'm so grateful Mom wasn't alone. I know it was probably the hardest thing for Brad to do, but he did a great service to me and Kurt by being there to support Mom through this big event. It's like God knew what our family needed. If it was time for Dad to go, Mom needed one of us right beside her.
  
• Mom & Dad didn't have health insurance. Can you imagine what a long, drawn out disease or hospital stay or ordeal would have ended up costing them? What the fees would have taken out of the accounts Mom has left over to support her for the rest of her life? (More on this in a sec.) We should be grateful it was quick and sudden, because financially that is truly a blessing. Similarly, Mom had said that Dad's doctor said the death was probably relatively painless.
  
• Dad also wouldn't have wanted a huge fuss. Had he been on life support or in the hospital for ages, he just wouldn't have wanted us to agonize over it. He knew the plan, he didn't believe in coincidences. He probably was just fine about going to the next world with less pain and suffering. 

• Mom had to order 15+ official copies of the death certificate. In the State of Maryland a certified copy costs $22, but guess how much a certified copy in Georgia costs? $5. It was like Dad was looking out for Mom's bottom line all along. That amounts to a  $255 savings.
  
• Since we're talking about health, here's another one for you: because of the odd circumstances around Dad's death, Fulton County in Georgia requested an autopsy. Guess what the autopsy showed? My dad had thyroid cancer. It was very small, but it was there. Now imagine what would have happened had he lived to have the cancer worsen. It would have taken a toll on his body. He'd have to fight it, pay for it, endure it. Sure, thyroid cancer is very treatable, but it is still a cancer. Who knows what would have happened and at what cost. Again -- no health insurance. My parents could have spent every penny they had on the care, and he still could have passed and left nothing behind to care for mom.

• Financially, my parents were in such good shape. My dad was so good putting his money in various accounts and investments. He took great care to be a wise steward of what he was given. He left a good amount of money behind, and I know my mom is taken care of. I tell her all the time she doesn't have to work thanks to Dad!
  
• After Dad died, some relationships within our family were healed. There were specific, strained relationships that have hurt and plagued Mom and others in our family for years, and when Dad died, it was like water under the bridge. Death affects people in all kinds of ways. We saw people become more loving and open, more communicative and receptive. This has been such a blessing for me, because I need people to be there for my mom. 

There's a quote I really love... it's by Richard C. Edgley, and here is what he says:

"There are few of us, if any, who don’t walk the refiner’s fire of adversity and despair, sometimes known to others but for many quietly hidden and privately endured. Most of the heartache, pain, and suffering we would not choose today. But we did choose. We chose when we could see the complete plan. We chose when we had a clear vision of the Savior’s rescue of us. And if our faith and understanding were as clear today as it was when we first made that choice, I believe we would choose again. Therefore, perhaps the challenge is to have the kind of faith during the hard times that we exercised when we first chose. The kind of faith that turns questioning and even anger into acknowledging the power, blessings, and hope that can come only from Him who is the source of all power, blessings, and hope. The kind of faith that brings the knowledge and assurances that all that we experience is part of the gospel plan and that for the righteous, all that appears wrong will eventually be made right."

I really love this. I imagine us all in heaven in the premortal realm, and we were just happy being together, but the Lord told us that He'd need Dad back sooner rather than later. We probably weren't happy about it, we were probably surprised, we probably protested somewhat -- but we chose anyway. I said, "OK, I'll take the 33 years I'll get, and I suppose that will have to do." I said that. I chose anyway. I chose knowing it would be this hard and this awful to lose him. Mom chose. We all chose anyway. I'd rather have the 33 years than no experience at all. 

I'm so grateful for the tender mercies I've seen. I really miss him. 

I have some other awful things happening in my life right now, and I'm really struggling to see God's hand in it. It was such a profound, beautiful experience for me to have such a confirming testimony that Dad's death was part of the "plan." I keep waiting to have that same experience with my current trials. It hasn't happened yet. I really hope it does, because I need that in my heart. I want to have the faith that all the things that happen in this life work together for my good, although they are hard or scary or painful. Or sad. So very sad. 

So Dad, I think of you every day. Some cold nights I look up at the stars and some bright days I look into the clouds, and I think of you. I talk to you. I ask God to nudge you and let you know I'm there. You impacted my life for good, forever. Thank you for being you. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you again in heaven. But for now, I'll take every day I get on this planet and I will make you proud of me. I love you.