faith in the plan, part 3

Today marks the 6-month anniversary of my father's death. I miss him every day.

Experiencing his passing was awful in every way. It was so sudden. I was painful and scary and sad. The first night I was in my childhood home, sleeping next to my beautiful children, I could hear my mother sobbing in the next room. I went to her and held her. Dad left holes in hearts everywhere.

During my time home with my family processing Dad's death, and also now, an amazing thing has happened. I've been identifying what I consider the "tender mercies" surrounding Dad's passing. What do I mean by that? There have been some very real realizations that have brought great comfort. Elder David A. Bednar identifies the "tender mercies," described in 1 Nephi, with this: "A loving Savior was sending me a most personal and timely message of comfort and reassurance." 

This happened to me. I think to some extent it happened to others in my family, primarily in the time we spent together in August. 

Of course I'm not HAPPY about Dad passing; I wasn't ready for it and all during that time I was mad and angry and so so so sad. I took a tumultuous journey through the stages of grief. However, the final stage is acceptance... where we realize this is all part of "God's plan" and we're somewhat able to face that it happened and move forward. I can say I've come to this. 

In considering the "plan," I've realized how, in fact, the Lord had a hand in the final months and moments of Dad's life, and for that we should be very grateful.

Here are some examples of this...

• I got to see Dad in June 2014. THANK GOODNESS I got to see Dad in June. Mom & Dad had thought about coming in November or earlier, but they put off their trip and in reality, they came at the perfect time. Those memories of my dad are so fresh. Every time I turn on the light in my laundry room or the ceiling fan in my room, or I plug my phone into that cool USB plug he put in for me, I think of him. I'm so glad he was here and we got to have late night talks and I heard more of his wisdom and felt his love. I hugged him and looked into his eyes and felt his presence. I'm so grateful for June 2014.

• You may not be aware that my Grandpa Twining, Dad's dad, died on July 23, 2014 -- a mere two weeks before Dad died. This was a miracle in timing. Dad was able to attend the funeral -- Uncle Sidney and Kurt and lots of cousins and Grandma and everyone (except me!) attended the funeral. Just like I experienced in June, they all got to see Dad and touch him, hug him, look into his eyes, hear his voice, everything, merely weeks before his own passing. I feel like the timing for Grandpa going was not a coincidence. You know what? I think Dad would say the same thing. He always said there was no such thing as coincidence. The CRAZY thing is, haha, I was complaining that I wished Grandpa could have held on for a couple more weeks, since I was really busy at the time of his passing and couldn't attend the funeral, but I was NOT busy in August and would have been able to make it. Ha. Be careful what you wish for.

• August was such a good time for me and my family to be in Maryland. I spent much of the month there with my mother. Sure I missed out on Washington summer fun, like the state fair and canning peaches and playing in my favorite wading pool, but being in Maryland for as long as I was needed was so important. The kids missed no school. I had no responsibility to attend to besides my family. My brother Kurt is a schoolteacher and never would have been able to come for a week+ during the school year. The timing really couldn't have been better. It's like God knew what we needed and what would work best.
  
• Dad didn't get the chance to serve a mission in this life, but his last calling at Church was as Ward Mission Leader working with the full-time missionaries. Mom has said that calling taught him how to be a missionary; it was literally the culminating act of his life. I imagine him, as I believe, on the other side teaching people the gospel. He was such a good example of missionary work, and he believed in simple and kind acts of service. He was a great man, and I know he continues to do good.

• I think about the circumstances around Dad's death. He had made it to Atlanta, so he was in a city (not the middle of nowhere traveling!). He had spent the afternoon with the missionaries, just laughing and visiting and chatting. I'm so grateful that when it happened, Brad and Mom were there. They were there so 1) Dad wouldn't be alone, but also 2) each of them wouldn't be alone. Brad was there to support Mom, really. I'm so grateful Brad was there. I'm so grateful Mom wasn't alone. I know it was probably the hardest thing for Brad to do, but he did a great service to me and Kurt by being there to support Mom through this big event. It's like God knew what our family needed. If it was time for Dad to go, Mom needed one of us right beside her.
  
• Mom & Dad didn't have health insurance. Can you imagine what a long, drawn out disease or hospital stay or ordeal would have ended up costing them? What the fees would have taken out of the accounts Mom has left over to support her for the rest of her life? (More on this in a sec.) We should be grateful it was quick and sudden, because financially that is truly a blessing. Similarly, Mom had said that Dad's doctor said the death was probably relatively painless.
  
• Dad also wouldn't have wanted a huge fuss. Had he been on life support or in the hospital for ages, he just wouldn't have wanted us to agonize over it. He knew the plan, he didn't believe in coincidences. He probably was just fine about going to the next world with less pain and suffering. 

• Mom had to order 15+ official copies of the death certificate. In the State of Maryland a certified copy costs $22, but guess how much a certified copy in Georgia costs? $5. It was like Dad was looking out for Mom's bottom line all along. That amounts to a  $255 savings.
  
• Since we're talking about health, here's another one for you: because of the odd circumstances around Dad's death, Fulton County in Georgia requested an autopsy. Guess what the autopsy showed? My dad had thyroid cancer. It was very small, but it was there. Now imagine what would have happened had he lived to have the cancer worsen. It would have taken a toll on his body. He'd have to fight it, pay for it, endure it. Sure, thyroid cancer is very treatable, but it is still a cancer. Who knows what would have happened and at what cost. Again -- no health insurance. My parents could have spent every penny they had on the care, and he still could have passed and left nothing behind to care for mom.

• Financially, my parents were in such good shape. My dad was so good putting his money in various accounts and investments. He took great care to be a wise steward of what he was given. He left a good amount of money behind, and I know my mom is taken care of. I tell her all the time she doesn't have to work thanks to Dad!
  
• After Dad died, some relationships within our family were healed. There were specific, strained relationships that have hurt and plagued Mom and others in our family for years, and when Dad died, it was like water under the bridge. Death affects people in all kinds of ways. We saw people become more loving and open, more communicative and receptive. This has been such a blessing for me, because I need people to be there for my mom. 

There's a quote I really love... it's by Richard C. Edgley, and here is what he says:

"There are few of us, if any, who don’t walk the refiner’s fire of adversity and despair, sometimes known to others but for many quietly hidden and privately endured. Most of the heartache, pain, and suffering we would not choose today. But we did choose. We chose when we could see the complete plan. We chose when we had a clear vision of the Savior’s rescue of us. And if our faith and understanding were as clear today as it was when we first made that choice, I believe we would choose again. Therefore, perhaps the challenge is to have the kind of faith during the hard times that we exercised when we first chose. The kind of faith that turns questioning and even anger into acknowledging the power, blessings, and hope that can come only from Him who is the source of all power, blessings, and hope. The kind of faith that brings the knowledge and assurances that all that we experience is part of the gospel plan and that for the righteous, all that appears wrong will eventually be made right."

I really love this. I imagine us all in heaven in the premortal realm, and we were just happy being together, but the Lord told us that He'd need Dad back sooner rather than later. We probably weren't happy about it, we were probably surprised, we probably protested somewhat -- but we chose anyway. I said, "OK, I'll take the 33 years I'll get, and I suppose that will have to do." I said that. I chose anyway. I chose knowing it would be this hard and this awful to lose him. Mom chose. We all chose anyway. I'd rather have the 33 years than no experience at all. 

I'm so grateful for the tender mercies I've seen. I really miss him. 

I have some other awful things happening in my life right now, and I'm really struggling to see God's hand in it. It was such a profound, beautiful experience for me to have such a confirming testimony that Dad's death was part of the "plan." I keep waiting to have that same experience with my current trials. It hasn't happened yet. I really hope it does, because I need that in my heart. I want to have the faith that all the things that happen in this life work together for my good, although they are hard or scary or painful. Or sad. So very sad. 

So Dad, I think of you every day. Some cold nights I look up at the stars and some bright days I look into the clouds, and I think of you. I talk to you. I ask God to nudge you and let you know I'm there. You impacted my life for good, forever. Thank you for being you. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you again in heaven. But for now, I'll take every day I get on this planet and I will make you proud of me. I love you.