rock bottom

Welp, I suppose it's time I blog my big announcement and get some of my feelings out there.

Shane moved out into an apartment on Dec. 20, 2014, and filed for divorce on February 13, 2015.

I'm trying to pinpoint exactly what the worst moment of my life has been. My rock bottom.

Initially, it was the endodontist's chair when I got my root canal in November. I was freaking out somewhat, so I paid the extra $75 for the nitrous oxide! They say it "takes the edge off, like a glass of wine!" Well, I don't know what that feels like, but sure, sign me up.

Picture me laying there, a little loopy and out of it. When she numbed me, she used this funky thing that vibrates so it takes the sting out from the injection. The first 20 seconds were OK, then all of a sudden I got this INTENSE AWFUL EXCRUCIATING SHOOTING PAIN that went up from my mouth through both of my cheeks into my eye sockets. My body is curling on the chair and I'm weeping, just weeping. Tears are flowing from my eyes, just dripping off my face, and I'm quietly, barely sobbing, it hurts so bad. I'm just raw, completely raw. Every guard has been stripped away and all my sensitive receptors are exposed and I'm wishing I was dead. I hope you get the picture. I have no idea what happened. She said in 12 years of root canals no one has ever had a reaction like that.

As I start to recover, and they turn up the nitrous, haha, I'm listening to the doctor and assistant talk about Thanksgiving and shopping and the weather. My mind tells me that this is rock bottom. It can't get any worse. My dad died. I will not see him again in this life or hear his voice to look into his eyes. I'm just so sad. Plus, my marriage has completely crumbled. I knew it was past saving. It was over and that was just so sad. And there I was, getting a root canal, with the initial pain so completely crippling. It could not possibly get any worse, right? Rock bottom.

I was fed up with some things in the beginning of November, and I -- yes me -- I was the one that brought up the D word. I blame it on my dad, actually. Dad loved my mom. He lived his life well, and he was such a good example to me of service and love, honesty and happiness, faith and testimony. When he died, I starting thinking a lot about my life. I thought a lot about living with regrets; when I died, would I regret my life? Well, in all honesty, I totally love my life. I'm involved in some amazing things, I like my jobs, my book club, my activities. I love my kids. The only thing that crazy sucked was my marriage. Shane and I... geez. I can't even open that can of worms.

I suppose when I finally brought it up, he was glad I did. Truth be told, I think Shane has wanted out for years. Objectively, it seems like he finally wore me down enough that I wanted it too, and when I finally said the words out loud, he pretty quickly got super motivated and found an apartment, got a new bank account, and rented a moving truck.

We decided December 1st to split. I wanted him to stay until after Christmas, but he said he didn't feel comfortable and he didn't make it that long. It's OK. I was ready for him to be gone, too. Things were just so bad at the end.

So, was my root canal rock bottom? I don't know.

Every time I feel like I get a grip on my feelings and I've taken two steps forward, something hits me and I go three steps back. It's hard seeing him in new clothes that he's purchased. Punch in the gut. He told me he's seeing someone. Punch in the gut. He wants to introduce her to the kids. Punch in the gut. He is doing all these fun social things that he never did with us, or when he did do them with us I remember him complaining the whole time about how he'd never do them again. Punch in the gut.

I go up and down. Am I glad to be off this crazy train? Absolutely. But do I remember all the good times and get super super sad that it's over? Yes, so much yes. I remember falling in love. I remember the things he said to me, how he said he wanted to build universes with me. He gave me a diamond ring and he told me he'd love me for longer than that diamond would exist. He cried the first time he told me he loved me. He cried when Laurel was born. I loved is eyes, I loved his arms and hands. I loved it when he was humble and God-fearing and trying so very hard. I loved that.

But, alas, none of that lasted. Instead of growing together, we grew apart. I have to admit to myself that he isn't the guy I fell in love with, that essentially I'm mourning both my marriage and *that guy* who I really loved and who is totally gone. I saw an old picture of him the other day, and in the picture it was *that guy* and I really missed him. I loved him. In a way it's harder than my dad dying, because hey, Dad is gone. I don't see him walking around in new shoes, doing fun things without me, confiding in strangers.

Wesley is in a lot of therapies to help him "regulate," and one of the terms his therapist uses often is "big feelings." When he has to pee or he's disappointed or he's nervous about transition, all the time basically, Wesley has a "big feeling" and he has to deal with it. We try to help him do that in a positive way.

I'm finding myself with a lot of big feelings. Disappointment, sadness, anger, relief, happiness, remorse, anxiety, fear, loneliness, excitement, anticipation, hurt. I'm not sure how well I'm dealing with these feelings, but I am trying.

I posted the news on Facebook, and I was blown away by the response. I don't know what I expected. I guess I just thought I'd "announce" this big milestone in my life, and that would be it. I tried to play it cool and not drop a lot of details, but be matter of fact that my marriage was in the process of dissolution. What I got, however, were countless messages of support and love and confidence. People who said it made them sad to think of me as sad. People who said I was strong and wonderful. Wow, that felt so good! I also got a lot of private messages from people going through the same thing, asking for advice, expressing their concern and love. A couple friends said they would always be there as a listening ear and I could always trust them to take the girl's side, haha.

Well, that's my story for now. A new part is written every day. I'm at the beginning of 3-6 months of discussion on custody, assets, child support, and more. I'm going to worry about money and wonder about getting a job. I'm formulating a five-year plan. I'm grateful every morning for another day on this planet, even though sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

Many big feelings.