rock bottom

Welp, I suppose it's time I blog my big announcement and get some of my feelings out there.

Shane moved out into an apartment on Dec. 20, 2014, and filed for divorce on February 13, 2015.

I'm trying to pinpoint exactly what the worst moment of my life has been. My rock bottom.

Initially, it was the endodontist's chair when I got my root canal in November. I was freaking out somewhat, so I paid the extra $75 for the nitrous oxide! They say it "takes the edge off, like a glass of wine!" Well, I don't know what that feels like, but sure, sign me up.

Picture me laying there, a little loopy and out of it. When she numbed me, she used this funky thing that vibrates so it takes the sting out from the injection. The first 20 seconds were OK, then all of a sudden I got this INTENSE AWFUL EXCRUCIATING SHOOTING PAIN that went up from my mouth through both of my cheeks into my eye sockets. My body is curling on the chair and I'm weeping, just weeping. Tears are flowing from my eyes, just dripping off my face, and I'm quietly, barely sobbing, it hurts so bad. I'm just raw, completely raw. Every guard has been stripped away and all my sensitive receptors are exposed and I'm wishing I was dead. I hope you get the picture. I have no idea what happened. She said in 12 years of root canals no one has ever had a reaction like that.

As I start to recover, and they turn up the nitrous, haha, I'm listening to the doctor and assistant talk about Thanksgiving and shopping and the weather. My mind tells me that this is rock bottom. It can't get any worse. My dad died. I will not see him again in this life or hear his voice to look into his eyes. I'm just so sad. Plus, my marriage has completely crumbled. I knew it was past saving. It was over and that was just so sad. And there I was, getting a root canal, with the initial pain so completely crippling. It could not possibly get any worse, right? Rock bottom.

I was fed up with some things in the beginning of November, and I -- yes me -- I was the one that brought up the D word. I blame it on my dad, actually. Dad loved my mom. He lived his life well, and he was such a good example to me of service and love, honesty and happiness, faith and testimony. When he died, I starting thinking a lot about my life. I thought a lot about living with regrets; when I died, would I regret my life? Well, in all honesty, I totally love my life. I'm involved in some amazing things, I like my jobs, my book club, my activities. I love my kids. The only thing that crazy sucked was my marriage. Shane and I... geez. I can't even open that can of worms.

I suppose when I finally brought it up, he was glad I did. Truth be told, I think Shane has wanted out for years. Objectively, it seems like he finally wore me down enough that I wanted it too, and when I finally said the words out loud, he pretty quickly got super motivated and found an apartment, got a new bank account, and rented a moving truck.

We decided December 1st to split. I wanted him to stay until after Christmas, but he said he didn't feel comfortable and he didn't make it that long. It's OK. I was ready for him to be gone, too. Things were just so bad at the end.

So, was my root canal rock bottom? I don't know.

Every time I feel like I get a grip on my feelings and I've taken two steps forward, something hits me and I go three steps back. It's hard seeing him in new clothes that he's purchased. Punch in the gut. He told me he's seeing someone. Punch in the gut. He wants to introduce her to the kids. Punch in the gut. He is doing all these fun social things that he never did with us, or when he did do them with us I remember him complaining the whole time about how he'd never do them again. Punch in the gut.

I go up and down. Am I glad to be off this crazy train? Absolutely. But do I remember all the good times and get super super sad that it's over? Yes, so much yes. I remember falling in love. I remember the things he said to me, how he said he wanted to build universes with me. He gave me a diamond ring and he told me he'd love me for longer than that diamond would exist. He cried the first time he told me he loved me. He cried when Laurel was born. I loved is eyes, I loved his arms and hands. I loved it when he was humble and God-fearing and trying so very hard. I loved that.

But, alas, none of that lasted. Instead of growing together, we grew apart. I have to admit to myself that he isn't the guy I fell in love with, that essentially I'm mourning both my marriage and *that guy* who I really loved and who is totally gone. I saw an old picture of him the other day, and in the picture it was *that guy* and I really missed him. I loved him. In a way it's harder than my dad dying, because hey, Dad is gone. I don't see him walking around in new shoes, doing fun things without me, confiding in strangers.

Wesley is in a lot of therapies to help him "regulate," and one of the terms his therapist uses often is "big feelings." When he has to pee or he's disappointed or he's nervous about transition, all the time basically, Wesley has a "big feeling" and he has to deal with it. We try to help him do that in a positive way.

I'm finding myself with a lot of big feelings. Disappointment, sadness, anger, relief, happiness, remorse, anxiety, fear, loneliness, excitement, anticipation, hurt. I'm not sure how well I'm dealing with these feelings, but I am trying.

I posted the news on Facebook, and I was blown away by the response. I don't know what I expected. I guess I just thought I'd "announce" this big milestone in my life, and that would be it. I tried to play it cool and not drop a lot of details, but be matter of fact that my marriage was in the process of dissolution. What I got, however, were countless messages of support and love and confidence. People who said it made them sad to think of me as sad. People who said I was strong and wonderful. Wow, that felt so good! I also got a lot of private messages from people going through the same thing, asking for advice, expressing their concern and love. A couple friends said they would always be there as a listening ear and I could always trust them to take the girl's side, haha.

Well, that's my story for now. A new part is written every day. I'm at the beginning of 3-6 months of discussion on custody, assets, child support, and more. I'm going to worry about money and wonder about getting a job. I'm formulating a five-year plan. I'm grateful every morning for another day on this planet, even though sometimes I wish I could just disappear.

Many big feelings.

our love

It's Valentine's Day, and I'm not doing very much celebrating. The kids are with Shane today, and I did some work, went to yoga at the gym, helped with a baptism at Church, and am thinking about making myself a killer grilled cheese sandwich.

But, prepping for Valentine's Day with the kids was a lot of fun this year. 

They both did Valentines for their classes at school. Wesley's were just dollar-store Valentines that we folded up to make a little 'pouch' and put in a Dove candy. Yum! He wrote out everyone's names and I was so proud of him! 

Laurel's Valentines are funny.... when we went to see my family for Dad's funeral, my Grandma Caudell and Aunt Wanda brought some presents for the kids, like a whole bunch of matchbox cars, some arts and crafts supplies, and these cool threading cards. I noticed that out of the 20 or so threading cards they had, about half of them had Valentines notes on the back. What? I took the cards and put them in a safe spot and boom, out they came for Valentines day! They were perfect for a bunch of 2 and 3 year olds.

Since they were all a little bit different, Laurel had a terrific time deciding who in her class got which card, with which color shoelace. Since her friends don't necessarily read, the teacher provided us all with 18 black & white photos of Laurel, and we got to glue them on the Valentines, so the children could look at know who they were from. 

I hope Jack (a boy) appreciated the pink kitten with pink shoelace, while Sofie (a girl) liked the pizza card with yellow shoelace. Halle (our friend) got a hot dog, while other cards were of an elephant, giraffe, zebra, etc. For the half that DIDN'T have Valentine notes on the back, all it took was a quick browse of Pinterest for me to come up with my own. I came up with some very cute ones, and I'm super proud. The giraffe: "You're HEADS above the rest, Valentine!" or the frog: "Hoppy Valentines Day!" or the bulldozer: "I dig you, Valentine!" Haha. I had a blast being super punny. Dad would be proud. 

Laurel's class learned about the post office this month, and for art one day they all decorated cards, and then the next week we walked down to the post office (just down the street from preschool), and the kids all got the chance to put their cards in the mailbox. Then, voila!, they all got cards in the mail the next day!! Laurel's came from Halle. The teacher I think randomly picked cards to go to students, but it was fun that all the cards she decorated did go to someone. 

I did Valentines for my visiting teachees... I had a six-pack of floating candles, so each of them got a candle and a couple little packaged cookies. Plus I made little cards with a stamp and corner punch. My companion and I dropped them all off one Sunday afternoon while my kids played at her house with her kids, and it was perfect. February is a short month, and we wanted to be sure to show our love.

The other REALLY cool thing the kids and I did was to HEART ATTACK some people. We had a family discussion on who to attack. Wesley chose Katy, a little girl in our neighborhood who rides the bus. He's crazy about her. Laurel chose "Sister Johnson," who I also totally love. I chose Wesley's Primary teacher, Sister Lee, who also happens to be married to the Stake President, Pres. Lee. I really love them both. What's cool is that we all kind of love all the people we picked, so we got to working on cutting out and decorating hearts. Laurel and Wesley both cut some hearts. Laurel did lots of the decorating -- Frozen stickers, Easter stamps, chalk scribbles, and glittery stars. I wrote some notes on them, and we attached some candy to a few hearts, too.

And .... the finished product :-)

Luckily NO ONE was home when we went!!! It's a good thing. My kids were so loud. Haha. The Lees had a dog I thought for sure was giving us away.

Of course, my favorite part was the Dove candy. Here was one Laurel opened but I put on the fridge for me...

My heart does have love in it today. I just finished reading a book on forgiveness that made me think a lot about the Savior and His love. Interestingly enough and sort of coincidentally, this book took place around Valentine's Day and the author encouraged people to do acts of service for Valentine's Day. And there I was, reading this book, considering forgiveness and wanting to do service. My heart was really touched this week. I think God was definitely looking out for me. 

I started reading Jesus the Christ earlier this month and that's been beautiful, too. I have such great love for my children. I have great love for every additional day God gives me on this planet. This Valentine's Day it was nice to think about other people. It gave me great purpose and I felt peace. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

faith in the plan, part 3

Today marks the 6-month anniversary of my father's death. I miss him every day.

Experiencing his passing was awful in every way. It was so sudden. I was painful and scary and sad. The first night I was in my childhood home, sleeping next to my beautiful children, I could hear my mother sobbing in the next room. I went to her and held her. Dad left holes in hearts everywhere.

During my time home with my family processing Dad's death, and also now, an amazing thing has happened. I've been identifying what I consider the "tender mercies" surrounding Dad's passing. What do I mean by that? There have been some very real realizations that have brought great comfort. Elder David A. Bednar identifies the "tender mercies," described in 1 Nephi, with this: "A loving Savior was sending me a most personal and timely message of comfort and reassurance." 

This happened to me. I think to some extent it happened to others in my family, primarily in the time we spent together in August. 

Of course I'm not HAPPY about Dad passing; I wasn't ready for it and all during that time I was mad and angry and so so so sad. I took a tumultuous journey through the stages of grief. However, the final stage is acceptance... where we realize this is all part of "God's plan" and we're somewhat able to face that it happened and move forward. I can say I've come to this. 

In considering the "plan," I've realized how, in fact, the Lord had a hand in the final months and moments of Dad's life, and for that we should be very grateful.

Here are some examples of this...

• I got to see Dad in June 2014. THANK GOODNESS I got to see Dad in June. Mom & Dad had thought about coming in November or earlier, but they put off their trip and in reality, they came at the perfect time. Those memories of my dad are so fresh. Every time I turn on the light in my laundry room or the ceiling fan in my room, or I plug my phone into that cool USB plug he put in for me, I think of him. I'm so glad he was here and we got to have late night talks and I heard more of his wisdom and felt his love. I hugged him and looked into his eyes and felt his presence. I'm so grateful for June 2014.

• You may not be aware that my Grandpa Twining, Dad's dad, died on July 23, 2014 -- a mere two weeks before Dad died. This was a miracle in timing. Dad was able to attend the funeral -- Uncle Sidney and Kurt and lots of cousins and Grandma and everyone (except me!) attended the funeral. Just like I experienced in June, they all got to see Dad and touch him, hug him, look into his eyes, hear his voice, everything, merely weeks before his own passing. I feel like the timing for Grandpa going was not a coincidence. You know what? I think Dad would say the same thing. He always said there was no such thing as coincidence. The CRAZY thing is, haha, I was complaining that I wished Grandpa could have held on for a couple more weeks, since I was really busy at the time of his passing and couldn't attend the funeral, but I was NOT busy in August and would have been able to make it. Ha. Be careful what you wish for.

• August was such a good time for me and my family to be in Maryland. I spent much of the month there with my mother. Sure I missed out on Washington summer fun, like the state fair and canning peaches and playing in my favorite wading pool, but being in Maryland for as long as I was needed was so important. The kids missed no school. I had no responsibility to attend to besides my family. My brother Kurt is a schoolteacher and never would have been able to come for a week+ during the school year. The timing really couldn't have been better. It's like God knew what we needed and what would work best.
  
• Dad didn't get the chance to serve a mission in this life, but his last calling at Church was as Ward Mission Leader working with the full-time missionaries. Mom has said that calling taught him how to be a missionary; it was literally the culminating act of his life. I imagine him, as I believe, on the other side teaching people the gospel. He was such a good example of missionary work, and he believed in simple and kind acts of service. He was a great man, and I know he continues to do good.

• I think about the circumstances around Dad's death. He had made it to Atlanta, so he was in a city (not the middle of nowhere traveling!). He had spent the afternoon with the missionaries, just laughing and visiting and chatting. I'm so grateful that when it happened, Brad and Mom were there. They were there so 1) Dad wouldn't be alone, but also 2) each of them wouldn't be alone. Brad was there to support Mom, really. I'm so grateful Brad was there. I'm so grateful Mom wasn't alone. I know it was probably the hardest thing for Brad to do, but he did a great service to me and Kurt by being there to support Mom through this big event. It's like God knew what our family needed. If it was time for Dad to go, Mom needed one of us right beside her.
  
• Mom & Dad didn't have health insurance. Can you imagine what a long, drawn out disease or hospital stay or ordeal would have ended up costing them? What the fees would have taken out of the accounts Mom has left over to support her for the rest of her life? (More on this in a sec.) We should be grateful it was quick and sudden, because financially that is truly a blessing. Similarly, Mom had said that Dad's doctor said the death was probably relatively painless.
  
• Dad also wouldn't have wanted a huge fuss. Had he been on life support or in the hospital for ages, he just wouldn't have wanted us to agonize over it. He knew the plan, he didn't believe in coincidences. He probably was just fine about going to the next world with less pain and suffering. 

• Mom had to order 15+ official copies of the death certificate. In the State of Maryland a certified copy costs $22, but guess how much a certified copy in Georgia costs? $5. It was like Dad was looking out for Mom's bottom line all along. That amounts to a  $255 savings.
  
• Since we're talking about health, here's another one for you: because of the odd circumstances around Dad's death, Fulton County in Georgia requested an autopsy. Guess what the autopsy showed? My dad had thyroid cancer. It was very small, but it was there. Now imagine what would have happened had he lived to have the cancer worsen. It would have taken a toll on his body. He'd have to fight it, pay for it, endure it. Sure, thyroid cancer is very treatable, but it is still a cancer. Who knows what would have happened and at what cost. Again -- no health insurance. My parents could have spent every penny they had on the care, and he still could have passed and left nothing behind to care for mom.

• Financially, my parents were in such good shape. My dad was so good putting his money in various accounts and investments. He took great care to be a wise steward of what he was given. He left a good amount of money behind, and I know my mom is taken care of. I tell her all the time she doesn't have to work thanks to Dad!
  
• After Dad died, some relationships within our family were healed. There were specific, strained relationships that have hurt and plagued Mom and others in our family for years, and when Dad died, it was like water under the bridge. Death affects people in all kinds of ways. We saw people become more loving and open, more communicative and receptive. This has been such a blessing for me, because I need people to be there for my mom. 

There's a quote I really love... it's by Richard C. Edgley, and here is what he says:

"There are few of us, if any, who don’t walk the refiner’s fire of adversity and despair, sometimes known to others but for many quietly hidden and privately endured. Most of the heartache, pain, and suffering we would not choose today. But we did choose. We chose when we could see the complete plan. We chose when we had a clear vision of the Savior’s rescue of us. And if our faith and understanding were as clear today as it was when we first made that choice, I believe we would choose again. Therefore, perhaps the challenge is to have the kind of faith during the hard times that we exercised when we first chose. The kind of faith that turns questioning and even anger into acknowledging the power, blessings, and hope that can come only from Him who is the source of all power, blessings, and hope. The kind of faith that brings the knowledge and assurances that all that we experience is part of the gospel plan and that for the righteous, all that appears wrong will eventually be made right."

I really love this. I imagine us all in heaven in the premortal realm, and we were just happy being together, but the Lord told us that He'd need Dad back sooner rather than later. We probably weren't happy about it, we were probably surprised, we probably protested somewhat -- but we chose anyway. I said, "OK, I'll take the 33 years I'll get, and I suppose that will have to do." I said that. I chose anyway. I chose knowing it would be this hard and this awful to lose him. Mom chose. We all chose anyway. I'd rather have the 33 years than no experience at all. 

I'm so grateful for the tender mercies I've seen. I really miss him. 

I have some other awful things happening in my life right now, and I'm really struggling to see God's hand in it. It was such a profound, beautiful experience for me to have such a confirming testimony that Dad's death was part of the "plan." I keep waiting to have that same experience with my current trials. It hasn't happened yet. I really hope it does, because I need that in my heart. I want to have the faith that all the things that happen in this life work together for my good, although they are hard or scary or painful. Or sad. So very sad. 

So Dad, I think of you every day. Some cold nights I look up at the stars and some bright days I look into the clouds, and I think of you. I talk to you. I ask God to nudge you and let you know I'm there. You impacted my life for good, forever. Thank you for being you. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around you again in heaven. But for now, I'll take every day I get on this planet and I will make you proud of me. I love you. 

whirlwind utah weekend

Yay! The stars aligned and we went to UTAH!

So… where does our saga begin? My parents’ first grandchild, Kyler, turned 8 on January 6. I have known for awhile that they planned to baptize him the weekend of Martin Luther King Jr. Day, but I didn’t know if we could make it.

My brother Brad sent us a DVD of Bible videos for Christmas, and the kids and I watched the one recently of Jesus' baptism, and I just had the overwhelming feeling that we should really try to go to this baptism. Cue my awesome friend Stephanie, whose husband Dave is an Alaska Airlines pilot, and I asked nicely for some buddy passes to fly standby. Luckily, she said, January is a great time to fly standby. I was able to get me and both kids there and back for under $300 total. Of course, standby travel has its cons, like we had to take the 6:35 AM flight out there, and there were no guarantees we would sit together. I really hoped they’d at least put me with Laurel because like, um, she’s just 3. Fortunately, all of my wildest dreams came true – we were all together on the very back row on our flight to SLC, and we were all together on our very empty flight home to SEA. Just awesome!!! Plus, standby travel has no baggage fees! Yahoo!

The kids were so good on the flight. So good. It was early and they were total troopers. Wesley was sweet and chatty. He was eager to get to his seat so at one point he was like, all in this older man's way as this man was putting something in the overhead bin, and when the man sat down, we still couldn't go because of other people, and Wesley started chatting this guy up. The man asked if we were going home, or if we were going to visit Grandma and Grandpa, then Wesley said it was his cousin Kyler's birthday and he turned 8 so we were going to Utah. The man kinda looked at me and said, "oh, it sounds like you are going to a baptism" and winked. How cool is that! The nice guy was LDS. It made me smile.

When we arrived, we drove to City Creek Center to walk around. I’ve wanted to see City Creek since it’s an MKA project (I still totally love my old firm), and it’s super cool. There’s a kids’ play area, a cool fountain, plenty of shops. We met Bonnie (Shane’s sister) and her son Evan there; we love cousin Evan so this was just so great. Plus my Mom had arrived in SLC the day before, and Brad and Leslie got in just an hour or so after we did. We all met together to hang out! It was glorious.

The pros: literally a creek in the middle of the mall, with fish swimming. Very cool. Kids’ play area was great fun (dinosaurs!). We ate Chick-fil-a. I went to J.Crew and unbelievably ran into a friend from Salisbury who I seem to run into all the time in downtown Salt Lake (I ran into him a couple years ago when he worked at an Abercrombie store at the Gateway in Salt Lake… it’s like if it’s nice-smelling retail and in a flashy Salt Lake location he’ll work there).

The cons: I had to pay for parking. Lame. And then, sob, Wesley’s pedometer met an untimely demise, as we think he dropped it in the fountain. He was really sad. Poor guy.

After City Creek, we drove to a Wal-Mart and Laurel had fallen asleep, so I let Wesley play with the iPad and I fell asleep in the front seat. What bums we are. I really wanted a nap! I got up at 3:15 AM that day!! I was toast. Just toast. 

Luckily I woke up in enough time to go get a few things at Wal-Mart, then get to the Marie Callendar's restaurant for dinner with the whole family... Kurt and his crew (including the birthday baptism boy), Brad & Leslie, Mom, and a slew of folks from Kurt's wife's side of the family. 

Kurt arranged for us to sleep at a family member's house, it was Melani's aunt and uncle, who have six kids of their own. Their house was big and wonderful! We got the whole play area in the basement to ourselves. They blew up an air mattress for me, plus there was a couch and bean bag the kids took turns sleeping on. The first night I was super stressed because I was so darn tired, but quickly I realized I was having fun. We were on an adventure. Of course we were going to be tired. I "invented" a game that the kids LOVE, called "Which do you like better?" And I just give them two choices. "Which do you like better? The pool or the beach?" "Which do you like better? Day or night?" "Which do you like better? Cars or trucks?" Etc., over and over. They LOVE it. I feel like I got to know them better somewhat. They were cute and giggly and kept asking me to ask them more questions. I almost fell asleep like three times that night but they outlasted me. Sigh.

SO. TIRED.

Fortunately, we got SOME sleep and got up in time for the baptism. Our host family was AWESOME and even made us breakfast when we were there! Her two little boys were glued to Wesley, and her middle daughter took Laurel under her wing and they all played. It was really a great place to stay, Plus there were amazing homemade waffles and syrup, and great omelettes. So lucky.

We got Kyler some gifts on our way to the baptism.... some stickers from the Church bookstore, plus some dollar-store gifts. Laurel of course picked out a shark!!! for him, and Wesley gave him a United States puzzle (so he can put it together and think of family members all in our homes all around the country. Of course it turns out he already had a United States puzzle but it's the thought that counts, right?).

Mom gave the talk on Baptism at the baptism, and it was beautiful, of course. She served in Primary a lot when we were growing up and I remembering going to baptisms where she would speak and welcome the child to the Primary as an "official" member of the Church. She would say the same thing lots of times:  that there were angels in heaven celebrating that the boy or girl made the decision to get baptized. She said as she thought about that, she realized that for Kyler, Dad was one of those angels in heaven shouting for joy. Grandpa Twining was celebrating Kyler. It was hard to not have Dad with us on this trip.

Laurel with our birthday baptism boy and his SHARK. The lunch after was awesome. Much food and happiness. Chocolate and vanilla cake. Jell-o with marshmallows on it.

My kids loved the snow. They called it "kicking the ice" or something like that. Wesley's shoes, socks, and feet got soaked every day we were there.

After the baptism we went swimming in Mom's hotel's pool. The kids loved it. The big drama here is that Mom is wearing a pedometer every day, and a couple months ago she went on a trip and wore her pedometer in the hot tub. She kept joking with us, saying "ok, who is going to remind me to take off my pedometer before I get in the water?" and laughing and such.... and then boom. She forgot and wore the pedometer in the hot tub. So sad. So waterlogged.

But, alas, it was not the pedometer's time to go. She took that sucker apart using a pair of tweezers as a screwdriver, aired it out, replaced the battery, and put it back together. Voila. Like new. It totally worked the next day! You go, Mom! No bag of rice required!!

Sunday was Church, then we ate leftovers at Kurt's house and chatted on the back deck. It was sunny and actually kind of warm. The kids were running around and didn't want to wear their coats! Their gloves, yes, they needed their gloves. Snow is a novelty to Washingtonian children!

That night I ventured up into Emigration Canyon just outside Salt Lake and saw my friend Jessica from my BYU days. It was WONDERFUL. I just LOVE HER. I left grinning ear to ear. She looks just as fabulous as she looked 10+ years ago, plus she has a lovely husband (who cheered for the Seahawks) and three adorable kids. We talked about life and friends and ups and downs. He daughter Sarah latched onto Wesley and they played and giggled, and Laurel was kinda cranky because she was tired so I just entertained her and did my best to converse with Jessica. Oh it was just marvelous. I love her so much.

On the way back, I asked Wesley if he liked Sarah, and he said "she's my best friend." Totally adorable.

Monday morning we got up so early to go have breakfast with Mom at her hotel. Yay! We then drove down to BYU campus because I wanted to check it out. So many memories. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and BYU just made me feel... I don't know. Happy yet sad. It was the best time of my life, so far, but it's over. How I yearn for that time again. To feel how I felt at college... life was fun and held so much promise. Now I just pay credit card bills and mitigate sibling rivalry. Plus I feel a lot less cool then I felt back then.... I suppose my goal for 2015 is to get my groove back. Anyway.

The kids had a great time at the outdoor sculpture park near the Museum of Art. I have no idea if we were not supposed to touch the art. We tried, believe me we tried, but kids don't listen. At least mine don't.

Grandma with Laurel, Kyler, Spencer, Wesley, and Leanna. We missed Ruby and Jonah who stayed in Atlanta.

I was interested to see it was the HFAC's 50th anniversary. All my classes were in this building. I suppose it will always hold a special place in my heart.

We met my cousins Kelson and Stephanie in the Wilk for lunch. The kids found the Y on the mountain! I've hiked to that Y a couple times. It was good to see campus and visit with my cousins. They have interesting lives.... Stephanie is pregnant with baby #2, and her husband might be interested in jobs in Seattle. Kelson is engaged and planning a spring wedding in Sacramento. I can't believe we're all growing up.

After lunch my kids were crazy so I had to get out of there. I found one of my favorite spots on campus, this marble bench sorta thing. I hung out here all the time, it was on the backside of the library across from the International Studies building. Anyway, I sat down for a second because my kids were whining, then all of a sudden the cousins joined in for a huge leaf fight. It was adorable! Who knew BYU could be such a blast?

We also checked out the Joseph F. Smith Building, which was NOT there when I was there. In fact I used to have church in the building they razed to build this monstrous building, so I have a connection to the site but not to the current structure. It was shiny and new (although sheesh it's probably 10 years old by now).

The kids had fun at the water fountain. I kept betting my family $20 that one of my kids would fall in, but no one would take me up on that bet! Fortunately everyone stayed dry.

Wesley and Laurel are being "Y"s.

I love my family. We miss you, Dad.

The WORST part about the visit to BYU? The 40-minute wait in the Creamery to get ice cream! Seriously!?! As soon as we were finished eating the place was a ghost town, no line. Why were we there at the worst time? Sheesh.

After our trip to campus I made a quick Wal-Mart stop to buy flowers and a thank-you card for our hosts, then we went to Mom's hotel to swim some more! Had to get in one last quick dip. After that, the kids and I went up to Ogden to stay at Bonnie's house and play with Evan! We watched the Bachelor (yay!), ate pizza, were not tormented by her dogs, and had a great visit. Wesley and Evan are peas in a pod. Bonnie is taking some tech classes for web design kind of stuff, and I'm trying to convince her to move to Seattle when she's all done since, you know, we have Microsoft, Amazon, and like every other cool tech place under the sun. Maybe I'll get lucky.

Aunt Bonnie even read them books :-)

The next morning we were up bright and early and on our way to the airport. I was looking forward to familiar soil and my own bed. There were 90+ seats free on our flight home, so I wasn't worried at all about getting on.

Here's my awesome Alaska Airlines story:  Laurel is totally into sharks, and I gave her this adorable Usbourne Sharks book for Christmas.  It was somewhat lost around our house for a few days, but the day before the flight I found it and put it in our stuff, or so I thought. I thought maybe we’d read it on the flight or something. I couldn’t remember if I actually got it out when we were on our way to Salt Lake. In any case, the day we arrived I was sorting all our stuff into backpacks and luggage (pulled everything out of the rental car to get a grip on things), and the book was definitely not there. I was sad. Did I lose it? Did I forget it? Am I crazy? I was also missing my (less emotionally interesting) water bottle. On our last night there, I just felt like, what the heck, and I called the SLC Alaska baggage counter. I told them I came to town on Friday, I thought maybe I had lost this book and my water bottle, and could they check? The guy said, sure, hold on, and after five minutes or some incredible amount of time he was back and said, “I have the book right here, but no water bottle.” I couldn’t believe it!!! I had him put my name on it, and I said I’d be there the next day to catch our flight home! I stopped on in, and boom!, we got the book back! Amazing. So amazing. It’s like it was a trip of miracles… pedometers coming back to life, shark books being found, just wow!

I'm so glad we got to go. It was special to spend a special day with Kyler as he was baptized. I was so glad to let the cousins get together. I want my kids to have good memories of their cousins. I loved seeing my mom and hugging her so tight. I love laughing with my family. I love the memories I have of Utah.

It was a great trip.

saying goodbye to dad, part 2

I purchased plane tickets on a Sunday night for Monday morning. Talk about last minute flying! I'm grateful for friends who love me, who made us dinner Sunday night and took us to the airport on Monday. I had kids, carseats, luggage, airplane activities, and more. We flew direct to Salisbury, which is really the way to go -- it's a direct flight from Seattle to Philadelphia or Charlotte or similar, then a flight on a "puddle jumper" into Salisbury. The airport is a 7-minute drive from my childhood home.

The night before the flight was brutal. Just brutal. I was an anxious mess, and Wesley was acting weird. He threw up in the middle of the night. For awhile I thought maybe he was mirroring my anxiety, and even now I'm not entirely sure if in fact he was really sick. But it was a gamble to get on that plane with him, but it had to be done. I don't remember much about the traveling, only that we made it.

My brother Brad and his wife Leslie met us at the airport in Salisbury. I hugged Brad while Leslie had presents and balloons for my kids. She is so wonderful and sweet. I got a rental car and the guy asked me if my trip was for business or pleasure. It's a funny feeling wanting to both burst into tears and roll your eyes at the same time. I didn't have an answer.

I love Maryland. I really do. I love every chance I have to go there. Usually! I love driving by my high school, pulling into my street, seeing the "Welcome to Salisbury" sign, running into people at the grocery store, everything. I love being "home." I've been planning to go home in August for a couple years now! Both sides of my family have reunions on two subsequent weekends in August, so if I could make it out there I could hit two of them!

How funny to find myself in Maryland in August.

We arrived on Monday, and on Tuesday I went to the funeral home with mom to make the arrangements for Dad's service. We wrote his obituary together. Mom held it together pretty well until the time to select a casket. (Oddly enough we found out several days later we needed to go with a different casket. Regardless, it's a very difficult moment.) There are a lot of things to worry about... casket, service, location, programs, flowers, interment, plot. Mom handled all of it calmly and carefully and with such a sweetness. I love my mom. She was very strong. I was so glad to be there to hold her hand and hug her whenever we both needed it.

The best part of the funeral arrangements (if there can be a "best" part to this) was that my parents actually live in Parsonsburg, a small town on the outskirts of Salisbury. Most of the cemeteries in town are in Salisbury, and the funeral director told us that they are all owned by for-profit conglomerates and plots can sometimes go for $1,000+ each.... yikes. However, because we live in Parsonsburg there is a small church in the central town area with a cemetery that perhaps could accommodate us. We talked to a nice old man on the phone who said he probably had two plots somewhere and we could have them for $100 each, plus the $100 registration fee. That is simply amazing. I actually had my sweet 16 birthday party in 1996 at the little community hall at this church. We used to go to Christmas craft bazaars and fairs there. And now my father would be buried there.

I'm so grateful to the Relief Society president in the ward (who was my Merrie Miss leader when I was 8!) who took such good care of Mom and us. There was food, food, food. Babysitting was arranged. Cards and calls and hugs came by the dozens.

LOTS of good food, huh Laurel? ;-)

My brother Kurt and his family arrived from Colorado the next day. It was fun to let the cousins all play together. Mom has great toys :-)

There were Grandma's "princess magnets"...

And UNO. Lots of Uno....

Plus just all kinds of other fun.

I suppose the kids kept it calming for us. No matter how stressed out we were, the kids still needed to be taken care of. Dinner needed to happen. Play needed to happen. Bedtime needed to happen. They were a great distraction and that was a necessity. I'm glad I brought them. My mom said they made her laugh, which was wonderful.

Thursday we made plans to go to the temple as a family. An angel family in mom's ward took all seven of our combined children for the day. What an adventure they had! The DC Temple is 2+ hours from Salisbury so really it's a huge undertaking. The night before I packed paper bag lunches for each of us adults (two couples, plus Mom, plus me) and all seven children, one of which has food allergies. PLUS, like I said before, I wasn't sure if Wesley was sick or what, so I was totally nervous to leave him at someone's house! What if he threw up??? Or got her kids sick? Oh geez. Turns out instead he took a nice long nap which is LUCKY for her! ;-)

It was wonderful being at the temple with my family. I'm so sad Dad isn't in this picture. Maybe he's in the clouds. We were all crying in the session, and of course there was a young girl going through for the first time and she probably was like, "wow, look how the temple makes all these normal people so crazy emotional." I think Melani or Leslie introduced themselves and told her why we were all crying, haha. The truth is that eternal families give us great comfort. We just really miss him.

The girls :-)

I love the DC temple. It is heaven on Earth. No other temple touches my heart quite like it does. It is so white, so perfect. I love the design, I love its presence. I love everything about it. I love that I was sealed to my parents there in 1986. I love that I went there when I was 12 to do baptisms for the dead. I love that I was endowed there and married there. No temple can ever mean more to me that the Washington DC Temple.

Dad's funeral was Saturday. Shane flew in Friday night to join us. How wonderful to have him, if just for a quick weekend. Shane was so very supportive during all of this.

Friday lots and lots of family arrived. We all went to dinner and one of my aunts paid the bill. How generous and wonderful. Dad was always the one who paid the bill! He just can't ever be replaced.

Friday night I was at the computer writing my "eulogy" and thinking of Dad. A couple years ago he somehow!! got his hands on a recording of a radio dedication played on his wedding day. The DJ spoke about how it was a lovely day, the perfect day to get married, and congratulated Ken and Brenda who were getting married that day, then played this lovely song. I turned it on and just cried. Shane came in the room to comfort me. What a powerful, raw emotion.

Dad was buried on August 16, 2014, which was Mom and Dad's 34th wedding anniversary.

I don't have a lot of pictures of that day. I guess I just have memories. I remember being in a rush to get the kids ready and all our stuff together, and finally getting to the church and walking in and heading toward the room where the viewing was and stopping myself suddenly in the hallway. I just stopped and said, "Am I ready for this?" It was just upon me so quickly. This moment I wasn't ready for, the moment where I said goodbye to the earthly presence of my father.

He was gone, and it was just his body, but I thought it did look like him and they managed to give him a smile that I recognized. I'm not sure how Mom felt about it.

There were so many people who came to the viewing and the line was very long. I couldn't believe all the faces of my childhood that I saw.... one man flew out from California!!! for the service, and he couldn't even really talk to me because he had tears in his eyes. He simply said, "I just had to come. I had to come." A lot of people were really torn up about it. Dad was a great guy, he helped everyone. He was always there and willing to serve. It shook the community, I think. Just as it shook me.

Anyway, we talked too much to people, so at one point they had to take us out of the viewing so everyone could view Dad and then we could start the service. It went well. My brothers and I did the main "eulogies," we divided up the aspects of Dad's life. I did his family life (stories of how he met Mom, memories we had as kids, his help with grandkids, etc.), Brad did his professional life (his job, accomplishments, relationships), and Kurt did his spiritual life (service in the Church, testimony, etc.). Dad was awesome. Such a great person. He loved Mom, he loved us, his lived his lift exactly how he wanted to and perfectly in tune with the Lord and the spirit. He is a great example to me and I miss him dearly.

http://www.hollowayfh.com/book-of-memories/1928764/Twining-Kenneth/index.php

My aunt, uncle, and grandma were invited to share "memories," and the grandkids all sung Families Can Be Together Forever. What is kinda funny is that that is one of Laurel's favorite songs NOW, but in August she didn't know it so well. Wesley was kind of a stinker during the service and Shane took him to the nursery for most of the time. Oh well. I suppose the service was more about me and my immediate family, us being there for each other and mourning. I was really glad Shane was there to help with our kids, who didn't understand what was going on.

After the service we went to the cemetery. All of the children and grandchildren could place a red rose on Dad's casket. Laurel still talks about that. She still talks about putting a flower on Grandpa and then they put him in the ground. Wesley didn't put the flower on his casket because he was busy running around. Someone gave them Oreos at some point and here they are enjoying them, haha:

Afterward there was lunch for us at the Church. Somehow Laurel's dress got dirtied beyond saving and we had to change her into borrowed clothes!

It was a whirlwind day. Mom calls it the second worst day of her life. The first being the week before, obviously.

Mom came back home and wanted to be alone. We all went over to my Aunt Nancy's hotel and swam in the pool. It was nice to laugh and be busy. The kids enjoyed spending time with Shane, I was really glad he was there. I think afterwards, we went to the home where Kurt was staying, the Williams' home, and socialized. All the cousins and Grandma and everyone, it was busy and enjoyable.

Sunday I took Shane to the airport very early. Then we went to Church as a family.

Like I mentioned earlier, Sunday happened to be one of those annual family reunions. It's called the Benson Family Picnic. The Benson family settled in Princess Anne, Maryland, several generations ago and there were 13 children in the family. If you are descended from any of these children you are invited to the picnic! We are descended from one of the daughters, Hulda, who married Charles Twining. I want to say that is four generations ago.

Dad was always the "record keeper" at these picnics. He'd bring his computer and a printer, and everyone would check in with him and look at their information, correct anything wrong, etc. As the official record keeper someone would report to him at every picnic what the births, deaths, and main events were that year. How ironic that I typed in my father's own death as a main event for the year. I felt uncomfortable trying to fill his shoes. I hadn't been to one of these picnics in ages. The picnics used to be at Uncle Lester and Aunt Ruth's home (my dad's uncle and aunt), and we'd play in the barn, go on hayrides, eat until we were sick, check out Lester's rose bushes, and more. One year someone had died and they brought all her stuff so we could take anything home we wanted!! How funny! But alas, Lester has been dead for years. Aunt Ruth can't host at her home anymore. Now they hold it in a church hall. The picnic was nothing like how I remembered.

Although I didn't feel like I interacted much with people at the picnic, there were a couple good conversations I had. A few people also enjoy family history and they want to keep in touch, so I got some email addresses and phone numbers. I also enjoyed going into the cemetery next to the church, for many members of my family were buried there. I took pictures of their headstones for my records.

Dad and I always talked about taking a trip up to Massachusetts to go graveyard hopping. He liked genealogy like I did. It's hard to imagine going on that trip alone now.

After the picnic we were all kind of toast, but Grandma Twining (dad's mom) came over to Mom's home and so did Kurt and Melani and their clan. Maybe family history was just on the brain, because I pulled up our information on the Mom's laptop and us girls started telling stories and researching lines. Grandma, Melani, and I were just chatting, theorizing, searching records, etc. It was AWESOME and a lot of fun! I came home with lots of ideas and projects to work on to keep the momentum going! I feel closer to Grandma and Melani having shared that fun evening.

Well, soon enough all of the extended family were gone. Kurt's family and my family all went to the beach together, which was nice.

I was braver in the water than I should have been, I was holding Laurel once and a wave knocked us both down and under. It was scary!! Luckily the water receded quickly and I got her up. It is terrifying to think about what could have happened.

We went on the Ferris wheel in Ocean City. 

Loved it. We ate Thrasher's French Fries and Dumser's Dairyland Ice Cream. Like I said before, Kyler has food allergies so we had to find stuff that was acceptable for him. Shaved ice to the rescue! I'm glad we all had treats we could enjoy.

I think Tuesday was the last day we were all together. We played a game of Star Trek Uno both to appease the children and to honor Dad.... who was a big Star Trek fan... :-)

Mom requested we go to the cemetery to check things out. It had been a couple days. We didn't know how it worked, but evidently every flower arrangement delivered to the funeral home is taken to the cemetery and left there until the caretaker disposes of them. The large circular one there was fake though, so we took it home with us! The one on the ground was the spray we picked out.

Dad's final resting place. Even if Mom chooses to move away from Salisbury, our hearts will always be in Parsonsburg. I will always be tied to the Eastern Shore of Maryland.

I didn't get any good photos of my family! Oh well!

Kurt's family with mom... Leanna, Mom, Kurt, Spencer, Melani and Kyler.

All the grandkids, in order. Kyler, Wesley, Leanna, Ruby, Laurel, Spencer, Jonah.

 It's hard to say goodbye. But little Laurel hugs are so precious!

Before Kurt and Brad and their families left, the boys gave us all blessings. I'm thinking Kurt gave one to Brad, Brad to him, then the two of them to both me and Mom. It was a special experience. We have always been close, we have always really loved each other, but this... boy, this really binds you. I think I'll always consider us a family of five, so the love I have for four other people I am now giving to just three other people. I just love them so much. I love our forever family so much. I tend to fear death, I do, but at this point I fear it less because I really want to see my dad again. 

After everyone left it was just me and Mom and my kiddos at her house. I gave her a break by going to the beach again... ;-)

Seconds after I took this picture the bag of chips the seagulls were ripping into blew toward our blanket, and they swarmed to us. I really thought the birds might kill us. I was scared! We lived.

Selfie!

I also took the kids to the zoo in Salisbury. Love the zoo.

And since I was on the East Coast I needed some good East Coast food, like Chick-fil-A. Although, surprise!!!, we are getting a Chick-fil-A in WASHINGTON sometime in 2015! I can't believe it.

If I think about it, one part of the trip that was really hard was when I needed to go out into the garage for something. My dad's truck was out there, and the whole garage just smells like "Dad." It's the Home Depot smell, the PVC pipe smell, electrical equipment or something. It's just my dad, it's my childhood. When I walked into the garage the tears just came. It was overpowering how much it made me think of him.

We went home Tuesday the 26th. It was very hard to say goodbye.

I feel like I honor my Dad all the time. When we wear our M.R. Ducks shirts....

When I eat a Reese peanut butter cup, when I change a light bulb, when I read the comics, when I give my daughter a drink of milk. I loved him. I really loved him. He was so wonderful and I'm so sad, every day I'm sad that he's gone.

I had 34 years with him on this planet and I wish I had 34 more. I should have had 34 more. I know I will see him again, but I am sad I won't get to see him again until eternity begins. It's an intimidating concept.

I was truly grateful for the 15 days I had in Maryland. I needed to be there, both for me and for my family. I needed to be able to stay up into the wee hours of the morning and hold my mom's hand as we both cried. I needed to be able to look into the eyes of all these people who loved my dad and feel their sadness for us. I needed to be able to talk about it, over and over, to come to some cathartic conclusion about God's plan. I needed that time. I need more time. Every chance I get to talk to my mom I take it, but I always wish I was there to hug her and hold her and whisper that everything will be OK. It will, I know it will, but right now it is still really hard.

I pray to God every day and thank him for another day on this planet. I've also started to pray to see Dad in my dreams. Not long after I got back I had a dream and Dad was in it -- all dressed in heavenly white. I woke up and wanted to see him more. I pray for faith. I pray for comfort.

I miss you Dad. You went too soon.