Last summer, I mentioned here on the blog, I did a day camp with the Stake Primary and I met lots of people from around the stake. I did the tag-alongs class and one of the little girls in my class was a sweet thing, and her mom (serving in another part of the camp) would come eat lunch with us every day.
Several months later, I discovered this mom was pregnant. It was not a big deal, as this happens a lot in Mormon world :-) It would be her 5th child. She wasn't in my ward, so I didn't see her often.
Tuesday, February 4, some people were making comments on Facebook about certain scheduled things being canceled because of a funeral -- someone had lost a child. When all the information was finally presented, we learned this mother lost her full-term baby during delivery.
The funeral was Saturday, February 8. I am not sure I've ever been in a meeting where literally, every man, woman, and child in attendance was crying. It was SO spiritual and SO sad. Here are some things I remember and some thoughts I had:
- The first speaker was one of the daughters. She said she was so very sad, but her wise mother told her something that changed how she felt. Mother said, "we will always be a family of seven." It is amazing to remember we are families forever.
- The father was so calm, collected, and handsome. He said he loves to wrestle with his kids, and he felt that Baby looked down from heaven and saw how rough they were and changed her mind. We all laughed through our tears. What a wonderful father.
- The mother had been given a journal by a friend (someone who had also lost a child -- reassuring her that she was not alone), and the journal was for writing to the Baby. She read many of her thoughts, and they were so beautiful and insightful. Seeing the grand scheme of things is hard. If we believe we'll see our families again and be sealed forever, which we do, it doesn't necessarily dull the pain of waiting decades for it.
- A friend was telling me how hard this struck her. How was she "more worthy" that the other mother to have had four children that lived? We take it for granted that we have these spirits to raise, while this special mother was sent a spirit that didn't need to live in this life to receive exaltation.
- Our faith teaches us that we need to come to earth, receive a body, and be "tested" through adversity, given chances to choose good. However, the age of accountability is age 8, and anything happening before that truly doesn't count. All babies or children lost are celestial beings, who have passed the test without actually needing to perform.
- It's a beautiful thing that the Mother is able to feel that Baby was too good for this world. Baby didn't need to be here. Baby was needed back at home with God. I hope that comforts her, although I know she aches. There was a table at the service, covered in sweet baby girl clothes, some of the photos from the hospital, and some framed messages. One I thought was really touching said, "Dear God, because we are not able to hold this precious little one on our laps and tell her about you, could you please hold her on your lap and tell her about us?"
- There is this "old wives' tale" that goes around in the Mormon Church that women who have lost babies will have the opportunity to raise those children from infancy in the next life. Another friend of mine, quite the hard-nosed realist, firmly told me once how ludicrous that was, since our spirits are adult spirits. We were created as adults, we'll be resurrected as adults -- not children. However, someone I attended the funeral with said that the Prophet Joseph Smith has talked exactly about this (since his wife lost many children in pioneer times), and his teachings declare it's true. The spirits will be as children, waiting for the mothers. I need to find his exact teaching to know for sure, but that is a glorious thought. I think I have a personal study goal now, haha.
- I often think about those moments I want to give up or scream or cry in bed. Parenting little children is hard. They are needy. There are sleepless nights. It can be taxing in every way. But that mother, every ounce of her being wants to be up all night with her newborn, exhausted. Every day her body reminds her of what is lost -- the pains after childbirth, lactation, the weight! She has no baby to show for the nine months of her toil. It makes me feel grateful that the frustration I feel sometimes is still a very real feeling, and I'm blessed to feel it. I'm blessed to have these living children that help me feel.
- I have heard other stories, from friends or in the news, about those who do genetic testing and when it is confirmed that the baby will not live after birth, choose to terminate the pregnancy. I've always thought that was so sad. An article in the Ensign that I remember reading was about a woman who was told by several doctors that her baby wouldn't live. They all advised termination. She said, "you know what? I'm going to enjoy every moment of these 9 months that I have with my baby. If that is all I get, so be it." She refused to let go. Of course that story is beautiful in and of itself, but the final miracle is that her baby was born completely healthy in every way. It just goes to show that sometimes, pregnancy is the blessing.
- Another friend recently has learned she is expecting her 5th child -- another boy. Five boys! Many have asked her if she's disappointed it isn't a baby girl. She says, "truly, no. I am blessed that I can be pregnant. I'm blessed with relatively easy pregnancies. I'm blessed with healthy babies. Who am I to be disappointed? I'm so grateful."
It's been an unusually sunny February. This morning the sun is shining and the forecast is great. I hope that Mother looks out the window today and feels some hope. I know for me, when my life is in crisis, sometimes the sun just makes it worse. I literally have felt like crawling under the covers and hoping I didn't have to wake up. Some trials are just so awful and so hard.
Perhaps this mother's trial, and her reaction to it, was meant to inspire me. Inspire others. Every single one of us left that meeting positively uplifted and touched. We all left better people, better parents. You better believe I was the most patient mother that day. All I wanted to do was hug my babies and tell them I loved them. Over and over. I have this fear... it's a real, tangible fear. I fear something is going to happen, something big and ugly. I fear car accidents and choking. I fear medical problems and drowning. I FEAR. I know I need to make peace with death, and I haven't done it yet. I know I need to find faith over fear. I know this mother is having the opportunity to do that right now, and in many ways I feel she is better off than I am. For right now, I'm just going to try a little bit harder, love a little bit more, and hopefully find some solace in the sunshine.
Dear God, please bless the family of sweet baby Hazel.
