nagging what ifs

So lately I've been kind of introspective, for weird reasons. It seems people from my past keep popping up, and weird feelings keep plaguing me. It doesn't make any sense, because these things shouldn't be bugging me, but yet I can't get it all off my mind. Specifically, there are 3 instances to note:

• I had a dream in which one of my old boyfriends found me and told me he wrote a book about my breaking up with him, saying it took him 33 years to "get over" me (yeah we only dated in 2000, so my dream must be in the future). How hilarious is that? In my dream, I just shrugged my shoulders -- I had to! -- because I am married with baby Wesley. I had to say, "yeah I feel bad, but, we're all moving on here."

• In real life, a guy I was "madly in love with" (meaning, he barely knew my name if at all and I was terrified to even talk to him) in college just got engaged and it's all over his Facebook page. There's just this little pinge of "je ne sais pas" that I can't quite place. It couldn't be jealously or regret or who knows (or could it be?), because my life is great now, but it is something.

• In real life, a friend of mine from high school ended up marrying another guy I was "madly in love with" (same definition). I've figured it out since we're all invited to our 10-year reunion, which I'm not sure if I'll be attending. Anyway, in this case, I know the girl; in fact, I like her! I'm happy for her! She was sweet and we were buds. But still... he was "my guy" (ha ha, in my head!), and so there's just something in the back of my mind driving me a little batty after this marital news update.

I guess the fact of the matter is that we all grow up, we all have experiences, then we all move on. It's not like either of the latter two scenarios would have ever worked out to equal "me" plus "crush of the minute," but there was, of course, part of my brain in that part of my life that sure wanted it.

So when Shanester came along and things changed, I had to (and am still, obviously) reconcile with myself that these "other paths" of my life are never going to happen. It's a weird feeling.

Another good example is when we first found out we were having a baby. One of my friends kept asking if I had any "vibes" if it was a boy or girl. At first, I didn't... then one day I did. It was a girl; I knew it! I picked out a baby name, I started daydreaming, I was convinced I was having a girl. I was totally floored when our sonographer told us we were having a boy. I now had to "mourn" my daydreams of a "baby" who would never be born.

Some literature I've been reading recently says it happens to moms post-partum as well. Every expectant mother has this idea of what the perfect baby is like. Then, she has her baby, and if he cries a lot or has big ears or never sleeps, the new mom "mourns" her idea of what "could have been," since reality is quite different.

Fortunately for me, I'm lucky that Wesley is all I could dream of and more (although he isn't a girl). But the concept is the same.

It's just an interesting thing to think about, so I wanted to get my thoughts out there for you Internet folks to chew on. I guess the trick is to take the cards that are dealt to us and live our lives, no matter what, with smile on our faces and optimism in our demeanor. Perhaps that's the only way to take what could have been, let it go, and celebrate what is.