This weekend I was at my in-laws’ home in the TriCities. The Mormon Church is very strong there and there are lots of members and churches. Their ward newsletter did an introductory blurb on a new family in the ward – with eight children. The oldest was 15 and the youngest was 5 months.
I was aghast. And I wondered why I was aghast. I’ve heard of ginormous Mormon families before, but I guess I don’t see them a lot in Seattle so I forgot that they existed or something. In fact, in Utah, it’s not uncommon for any given mother to be pregnant at the wedding of one of her oldest children! It happened to one of Shane’s roommates.
To explain this, I think the general consensus is that Mormons take very literally God’s commandment to “multiply and replenish the Earth,” and they feel they need to do their part by having lots of kids. One could possibly say that a “more righteous” couple could handle more kids, since the couple would be blessed from following God’s commandments and would be able to handle all those kids. I don’t know if that’s true or not. I know there is a culture in the Church to have families and enjoy families. I don’t get the sense of “smugness” from families with lots of kids – for the most part.
But if you consider it from the outside looking in, I’d have to say here in Seattle, I know a lot of people (usually non-Mormons) who frown upon big families simply because of environmental concerns. It’s pretty obvious that the more kids you have, the bigger your carbon footprint is going to be. They call it “irresponsible” or “not Earth friendly.” Do I think this is silly? Maybe.
I guess I’m pro-families, and I figure that if a parent has enough love to go around, then go for it! As long as parents know all their kids’ names and can give them the individual time they need, then why not? Of course, the more kids in a family, the harder that will be.
Several of my friends expecting #2 are struggling with the concept of that “alone time” that they had with their first child that the second child will never get. And it’s true. The more kids you add to the mix, the less 100% mom or dad time each of them get.
(I worked in Primary once at Church with this little 6-year-old boy who had something like 10 older sisters. One day I put him on the spot and told him to tell me all of his sisters’ names, real quick! His eyes bugged out. He did it though, as fast as he could! It was cute.)
But anyway, back to me. So since this is my blog, how do I feel about this? Well, I have one kid, and truthfully I’ll be lucky to have two kids. My husband is happy with one, and we can honestly say to ourselves, “wow, our kid is so awesome, why push it?” It’s true. What if we get a real stinker next time? We’ve been so lucky with Wesley.
But if I think about me, and my life, I guess I always thought I’d have a slew of kids. I came from a family of three, so I figured I’d at least have two, probably three, and if I could handle it, maybe four. I suppose that’s always what I’d envisioned.
But my husband and I have a “let’s take it one kid at a time” policy, which means we make no concrete plans on “number” and instead reevaluate often. So, I’m feeling this pressure to keep our family small, even if part of me maybe wants a larger family.
Then, I realized, what about the woman with eight kids? Could she feels the same way I do? Of course, it is entirely possible that this was all her idea, but perhaps, it is also entirely possible that she feels pressure from her significant other to keep going, when maybe she’s exhausted.
The truth is, I don’t know. I can only look at her and wonder what is going through her mind. Maybe she feels incredibly blessed. Maybe she feels incredibly stressed.
The first gut reaction from me is disdain (“how could you DO that to yourself? Insanity!”) but instead, part of me feels a little envious (“she’s not afraid to have all those kids. Wow!). And yet, maybe she looks at me with my one little guy and feels either of those same emotions.
The obvious answer is that (similar to my last post!) we shouldn’t judge people. We don’t know what they’re going through. Yet, there is part of us (I know it’s there!) that sees huge families and either feels disgust or admiration or fear or pity or (insert emotion of your choice here). You never know what pressures people are under.
What do you guys think? Lots of kids all the way? Keep it at one for me? I don't care what you do, as long as you don't go on welfare so I'm literally paying for your procreative adventures?
(This just in; and they're not even Mormon!!!)
5 comments:
You know I've thought about this a lot, and still do. I come from a family of five and Loved it! But I'm not sure I could handle that many. But I do have some thoughts on it (too many, sorry!)
1. I think the whole idea of not having children out of environmental reasons is bull. (I have some strong feelings about people who consider themselves "eco-friendly." Like I watched this show about this "eco-friendly" couple who remodeled their home all green. On one hand I think making utilities more eco-friendly is awesome. But they just threw away the old kitchen appliances, cupboards, flooring, everything! Are you kidding me?! What a waste! Why tear out a perfectly good floor only to put in your EcoTimber floor? It would have been better for the environment not to create the excess waste. Ok you got me on a tangent, re-focus).
2. I think some families have more kids than they can emotional, physically, and financially handle and that's not right either. Everyone suffers in families like that.
3. Craig one time told me that sometimes he hates the idea of bringing someone so pure, that he'll love so much, into such a wicked world. It hurts him to think about what they'll have to go through. That made me think a lot.
4. On the other hand I can't think of anything that would bring more joy and happiness than a child (yes, even with the stress and frustration).
5. I also think we have skewed ideas at what children "deserve" - they don't need their own rooms, or own car, or lots of vacations. And honestly it's ok if you're second or third-born doesn't have as much one-on-one time. Studies show birth order has an impact on traits and personalities and we need the second-born personalities just as much as first-born personalities.
6. Ok this may come across as judgmental (but I'm sure some of my other comments have too). But the couples who are less likely to have more children are most often the kind of couple who we want to be parent!! Well-educated, financially stable, committed couples are more likely to have less kids. While drug-addicts, poverty-ridden, abandoners will have more kids (Think of the druggie, alcoholic, gang-related man who shacks up with 5 different women and they all have his kid - those aren't the kind of men we want in society to be a father. Those poor kids don't stand a chance (there are 7 kids - 3 families - in my complex whose parents are like this - it breaks my heart.) We need more good parents and less adults who shack up, impregnate and abandon. Give me the eccentric, eco-loving, toss-out-a-perfectly-good-floor couple over a drug user and abuser.
7. It use to be for so long that marriage and family meant children selflessness, and hard-work. But our society is changing. Children aren't valued as much, in fact to many they are looked at as a problem and a drain or a nuisance to society. Children and selflessness don't fit into our individualistic, me society very well. Even if we try to avoid it, we're still affected by that mentality.
You're right though is all comes down to the choice of the family. Don't judge the mother with 5 kids under 5 (I find myself having to keep myself in check with that one, I know a few and it boggles my mind) and don't judge the family with one or none. (I also happen to agree with many of your points about the smugness of big families. I don't understand having a 6 month old and purposefully getting pregnant - ok, Shara revert back to the non-judgment comment).
Ok - so clearly I have lots of opinions on this, way too many! More than I knew when I started to write, the thoughts just kept coming - sorry and thanks for letting me post.
Oh I didn't say what I think we're "planning on." I personally think we'll fall in the medium side (3, maaaybe 4) - but who knows - when we have one it's a whole new ball-game. I'm ok with one or two as well. :)
Hmm. Well, I'll comment as one who is about to give birth to #2 and wonders about quality time with the kids. I came from a slightly unique situation where there is almost 8 years between me and my next sibling, then there was another one that came 17 months after that. While I was not at all happy that my parents decided to have my sisters, I realized the importance of at least one sibling and promised myself always that I would have at least two children. I can't imagine being an only child and losing my parents, or whatever, and being all alone in the world - particularly if I never had the opportunity to have my own family. My husband and I have slightly different viewpoints about number (he's be totally happy leaving it at 2 I think) - he is one who does think it's a bit irresponsible to have a huge family, and he came from a family where he was the oldest of 5. He said it was always hard to fight for everything: food, space, attention, etc. When he talks of irresponsibility, though, it's not so much about carbon footprint as that there are lots of children already out there who need good homes and why couldn't these people take on some of them instead of adding more of their own. I think the days of needing large families to, say, man the family farm are over with, and infant mortality rates have dropped significantly, which was another reason people had so many kids.
The best advice I've ever heard on this topic was when my sister-in-law got married. The man who sealed them told them they should have as many children as they could emotionally/physically/financially handle. For some that means 1 or none. For others, maybe that means 4 or 5. For me, a huge challenge is dealing with pregnancy. I can't imagine doing it too many times because I think my existing children would begin to hate me - boring, sick, LAME mom. I do love babies though and watching our son grow these past two years has been the greatest experience of my life.
I always wanted to have 4 kids, but I have a feeling we'll have a hard time working up the nerve for a third - unless the amnesia kicks in. :)
I don't think anyone can really advise you guys on what to do, but I just kinda think only-children end up being a little socially awkward and weird (and I'll even lump myself into that category since I was almost an only child) - a sibling really helps with that. Another sister-in-law reminded me, too, that your kids are really all you get to take with you from this life.
I didn't worry too much about not having enough love for a second baby. But one day when I was about 7 months pregnant with Jason, and was having such a fun day with Jilly, I about broke down thinking, "Why did I think she wasn't enough for me?!" At that moment I felt I was betraying her, saying she wasn't good enough for me, because I wanted to and was having another baby. I quickly realized that wasn't my reasoning. I love her so much, love raising her and playing with her, I wanted to have another baby to feel that way about.
I won't lie, I've had a ton of struggles lately with having two kids. You saw me that day at Forest Park. I think that has been my single worst day as a mother thus far (less than 3 years). Jilly was throwing tantrums like an possessed demon child and I was freaking out from being all alone with both of them. But I still want more kids! I know this is a rough patch we're going through and we'll come out the other end, better for it.
My opinion on procreation is that you should have as many kids as you can love, provide for temporally, and take care of emotionally. For some people that is 1 or 2, for others is 8 or 19! :-) When I see a big family that works well, I think it's a super neat thing. When I see a small family where the parents are too focused on something else and the kids get neglected (emotionally or physically), it makes me sad and angry. Parenting is a huge responsibility and should not be taken lightly. But if you're doing a good job and have all the resources needed to expand your family, I say "more power to you!"
thanks for the thoughtful comments guys! shara, it looks like you need your own blog post on this! ;-)
Oh, I think it's hard enough to figure out what we ourselves can handle. How can we possibly know what other people can handle? I know I could not handle having kids as close together as some people do and I don't envy them their struggles. There are good things and bad things about each size of family, though. I love having 4 siblings and couldn't imagine being without any one of them. But I don't think I could handle more than my two little girls at this point and that's good, since I won't be having any more children. I do hope to someday to expand my little family but it will have to be in less conventional ways.
Oh, and I, too, think the whole "we're not having children in order to save the planet" line is total bunk.
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