Monday was an awful day. I’ve had a lot of awful days lately! Thanks goodness Tuesday and Wednesday were normal, and today seems like it’ll be a fine day, although Wesley is sick and I'm home from work.
I’m really struggling with one particular issue lately: control.
I’ve always believed that if I wanted something bad enough, I could achieve it. I don’t think that’s a bad thing to believe per se, but lately, things haven’t been turning out as I’ve liked, and instead of dealing with failure in a healthy way, I am freaking out and stressing out.
I suppose I take things very personally. I believe I can do it, but if something happens to prevent me from doing whatever “it” is, then I fall short as a person – and that’s unacceptable to me. I want to be my own definition of Super Woman.
Whimsy just recently held what I thought was a very successful online book club. We were discussing a character that I felt was particularly bratty. She had quit her PhD program, was living with her parents, and complained about everything. She was an ultra-teenager, except in her 20s. I thought that was particularly lame, and made my feelings known. Another participant got sort of mad at me – “she’s only human!” she said, as if somehow that excused her from being a brat and I was insensitive for demanding so much from the character in the book (and people in general).
And myself, I realized later. I don’t want to be “human.” I want to be better than that. I want to always been striving and growing and learning and progressing, and when I fall short, it hurts. Backtracking is counterproductive.
So all this relates back to my control over my life, and how I handle things when it doesn’t work out. Here’s my sad story.
I had to work on Monday, and I had a doctor’s appointment at 2:30 pm. My company has cars you can borrow for appointments and such, but I found out over the weekend they were all booked. Shane got into a fender-bender icky accident on Friday, so our car was on the verge of expiration. Since I needed to drive to work (no bus goes to my doctor’s office and a taxi would have been too expensive), Shane made me take the car in for a damage estimate first thing Monday. They deemed the car un-driveable, and hooked me up with a rental. When I got downtown, I pulled into a parking garage across the street from my work, and learned to park for 5 hours would cost $22. Whoa. I pulled right out the other side. I went to my “usual” parking garage, which was $11, but much farther away. I was super late to work.
A 2 pm, I left work for the garage. When I got to the elevator to take me to my car, I realized I didn’t have the parking ticket with me. Anyone who loses a ticket pays the maximum – something like $25-$30 for a typical garage. I called my boss, who confirmed it was on my desk. It was now 2:10. I ran 4 to 5 blocks in downtown Seattle back to the office. I went up 32 flights in the elevator, got my ticket, then back down, then ran the 4 to 5 blocks again. I got to the freeway at 2:30. I called my doctor’s office, who told me I need to be there by 2:45 or they had to cancel my appointment. OK, I’ll do my best. I drove as safely as I could, parked, ran to the office, and made it at 2:43 or something. Record time. Thank goodness traffic wasn’t bad.
Then, here’s the kicker. They took my blood pressure right away. HA! YEAH RIGHT. And my doctor came in, told me my blood pressure was really high, and said, “I realize today was a tough day for you, but you’ve really got to calm down.”
Are you kidding me?? Of COURSE my blood pressure is going to be high! I just ran for 20 minutes! I was told I HAD to get here by a certain time or I owed $50! And you're telling me to CALM DOWN? I was speechless.
I think the thing that bugs me the most about all this is that after the day was over, I could look back in retrospect and see all these ways things could have been easier (this happens a lot, right?). For example, I found out at work that a car WAS available because a guy was finished with it earlier than he expected (meaning I could have avoided this altogether). Or, I could have just parked in the $22 garage since paying extra money would have been certainly preferable to the headache I endured running back and forth. Or, maybe I should have just paid the maximum garage fee, since it would have been cheaper than a $50 missed-appointment fee, which I almost had to pay.
I just have a hard time weighing all these options and realizing that I can't control everything -- I can't demand perfection from myself, even though I feel like things should be perfect if I'm doing it right. Not too long ago I finished Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it was a good book. She deals a lot with her control issues; she is a lot like me. I feel educated and capable, and I should be able to accomplish whatever I want for myself. So when things don’t turn out as planned, I like to blame someone else since it can’t possibly be my fault, right? But when it is my fault (the stupid parking pass was on my desk!), I then have to deal with failure, and like Monday, all I want to do is crawl into a hole and cry.
I told Shane about this, because at first I thought my doctor (“you really need to calm down”) was just being overdramatic. My life is great. And Shane said, very graciously, “I don’t want this to come out the wrong way, but I think you get stressed out a lot.”
I had to think about it. Really? And I guess he’s right… I want things to be as planned, perfect, under my control.
So – now that you’ve made it to the end of my sad story – what do you do when things don't go as planned? Can you accept that you’re not perfect and deal with it? Does that make you feel like you’re lowering your standards for yourself? Or do you have to have a good cry? Or do you freak out and throw things? I recently got a yoga DVD since I really think I need to chill out and maybe it’ll help. But I’m so used to being go-go-go, I don’t know how to make the change.
It’s a hard concept to deal with. I want to feel like I am an agent unto myself, but it’s not always the case. We’re acted upon as much as we act, and in both cases, good and bad happens. I guess it’s all about being satisfied with the mixture of the two, and seeing how it makes life interesting. I’m working on it.
5 comments:
You sound like yo momma! Doc is right, you gotta lose the stress factor, although the high BP was probably justified in this case.
My schedule gets changed on almost a daily basis. I have to deal with the demands of many customers, and weigh which one gets my immediate attention, etc.
The job I did today was originally scheduled 2 days ago. But guess what? It turned out to be a good thing, as waiting the extra 2 days allowed some of the mud to dry out before we got there. It was still muddy, but looking around I ended up being glad I was not there when originally planned.
So welcome to adult life, dear daughter. Experience will make its inroads and you will learn that life is 10% circumstances, and 90% how you deal with them! :)
I tend to be like this - although I'm not a very frugal person so I would have paid the $25 for parking, I confess. I do like to be in control, I think that's why I hate roller coasters. If I was driving the thing, I'd think it was great fun.
In situations like what you've described, my mom always said to find ways to simplify life - things that can be removed to help you chill out. When I get feeling like you are feeling, that's what always comes to mind: what can I eliminate to reduce stress. It works every time. For me, quitting my job really helped me simplify my life and remove the stress I was feeling, but I realize it's different for everyone.
And yoga - or at least the relaxation and breathing part of it - does really help with the chill factor, but you have to be really into it and really regular with it, which is something I've never been able to do.
I SO envy people like my husband who is so good at just accepting what life gives him.
Hope the car is fixed and drivable again. That's a huge bummer.
We should talk. Then you'd feel like your stress is nothing compared to mine right now! I was thinking today, "Man. And I thought finals was stressful. I didn't know life could get crazier than finals week!"
Yep, you are a ball o' stress, my friend. Or at least that was my impression when we lived in the same state. Hard to get a true read on that sort of thing via email. That said, I so would have done all the things you did and been as stressed as you were! One nice thing about Mike was that I never had to stress about choosing the pricier way if it was easier and made life more do-able. He never stresses about money and, you know what? He's right about 70% of the time on the money stuff. Drove me crazy. Sometimes you have to park in the pricey garage and have a less stressful day!
My dear Angela... I feel your pain. I too am a stresser. But it's not good. It can damage not only your physical body, but your soul as well. How do I deal? I talk, talk, talk with good friends. I read a good book, or see a movie and escape for a while. And I pray. Realizing that you can't control everything and actually accepting it are two very different things... remember that you're only fooling yourself if you think you're in control of everything, but being your best self is a fantastic goal, just cut yourself some slack once in a while! Love ya!
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